A little bit of Faith......

November 30, 2009. The day we held an angel in our arms. The day we kissed her precious face. The day we had to say goodbye to one of the sweetest, tiniest blessings God had given us. The day I knew my prayers had been answered. Our precious little girl was healed in the arms of Jesus.

Since the day we found out about her "complications" I prayed and begged that God would heal her. Even though it wasn't in the way that I had hoped, I knew God had done exactly what I had asked. He took away her pain.

My first ultrasound showed that there was a hygroma on the back of her head and neck. From then on, my pregnancy was filled with tests and appointments with specialists.  I was told that our baby wouldn't survive and that it wasn't too late if we wanted to end the pregnancy. My husband and I refused to even think about that route. God was the only one who would decide what would happen to our baby.

We got to enjoy 24 weeks of hiccups and kicks, and I rubbed on my belly as much as I could. The Wednesday before thanksgiving I had a check up with my primary OB. He did the normal ultrasound, but I could tell by his face something was different.  I will never forget when he looked in my eyes and said, "it looks like she's gone home." I am so thankful that He used those words to tell us our baby girl was no longer suffering. She had indeed gone home to her creator and I pictured her completely healed and cradled in Jesus arms. My doctor gave us a few minutes alone to collect our thoughts and when he came back we started to talk about making a plan. We decided to wait and give my body a chance to go into labor on its own. The next day was Thanksgiving and the last place I wanted to be was in the hospital.

In The following days I felt like I was living life in a blur. Here I was 24 weeks pregnant, I still looked pregnant, and I still felt pregnant. I WAS pregnant.  But now we had the task of telling everyone that our baby girl had gone to heaven.

We made it thru Thanksgiving weekend but I decided I couldn't wait anymore. It was just too difficult to constantly think of what was ahead.  So my doctor agreed to induce labor that following Monday. We were admitted early that morning and things were rolling along just as they should. That evening, our 1lb 2.5oz, Faith Raelynn was born. I think I cried the entire time, but once I was able to hold her an incredible sense of peace surrounded me. My husband was amazing and was right there by my side for everything. He made sure I was taken care of and that I had everything I needed. We were also very blessed to be surrounded by my parents, our aunt and a very dear friend for support. We had a few visitors that evening and Faith stayed in her bassinet beside my bed when we weren’t holding her. When things calmed down, we had taken some pictures and it was just the three of us, I decided it was time. So my husband and I each took our turn saying goodbye. We had a special blanket that we sent along with her and we kept her tiny little hat and blanket that were made especially for her by someone who supported us through the entire journey. I really don't remember much else from that night. I don't know if we slept. But I remember that next morning was so hard. As they wheeled me down to the car to go home I choked back tears. I remember leaving the hospital with Big G and how excited I felt. I had my sweet boy in my arms and we were headed home. Today I was headed home.....but nothing was in my arms.  There was no diaper bag. No car seat. No "going home" outfit. I tried to just close my eyes but as soon as I saw my husband the tears were flowing again. Tears seemed to be a common thing in the following days. Everything your body does after having a baby, my body still did. But the worst part was the way my arms would literally hurt because I wanted to hold her again so badly... The only peace I was able to find was in knowing that my baby was no longer suffering and that some day I would be able to hold her again. But for now, four years later, I still find comfort in knowing that she is being held in the arms of Jesus.

 Tonight we will celebrate her 4^th Birthday with brownies and signing. A tradition we've had since her first birthday. Happy Birthday our precious Faith Raelynn. We still love you more than you could ever know.


"They say that time in heaven is compared to the blink of an eye for us here on earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. So happy and caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there...."

Blended Emotions :)

I am still having a hard time knowing whether I should laugh or cry at this... I've been doing both every time I think about it! I'm going to try and keep this short. It's just too crazy not to share.

Earlier this year some friends introduced us to green drink smoothies. The boys and I love them. My MIL started to make them and we were hooked. Only problem is we don't have a blender. I've been wanting to get one but we just haven't had the extra money to get a decent one so I've been putting it off until we do.

On the front porch this morning we found a large box that we somehow missed the evening before. The boys and I brought it inside and started to unwrap it. The return label was from an out of state family member who I've never had the opportunity to meet.  When we got to the package inside we read the box and you will never guess what was inside..... A blender!!!!! I couldn't believe it!! We opened the box to make sure that's really what was inside and sure enough, it was a blender!! There was also a notebook with some smoothie recipes as well as a very sweet note. I was brought to tears by what the note said:

“I know you're probably wondering why I would send you a blender. Let me explain- a few nights ago I couldn't sleep. I had finished praying, my body was ready for sleep, but I kept thinking "send Katie a blender." I was confused, wondering where this thought came from, so I asked, "God, are you telling me to send  a blender?" I felt the spirit say "yes" but I thought " this is strange." I mean everyone knows you don't give women health stuff as a gift! The next morning I forgot about Gods request. I logged into my email and guess what was the first thing in my inbox...an email from my blender company! I have never received anything from them before this. I knew instantly this was not a coincidence but God answering me in a more direct way so my human brain would have no doubt, "yes, I am telling you to send a blender." The entire way to the store I was nervous, thinking "this is weird. I barely know her and this will offend her if she thinks I am judging her." But I don't want to be swallowed by a whale either :) so here we are. I'm sorry if you are offended by this strange gift but God must want you to have an easy way to get the healthy foods your body needs to beat this cancer.......”

So how crazy is that??? God told a family member I've never met to send me a blender!!! But I'm also taking it as God telling me that my family and I need to get healthy. I've started to make changes here and there but I feel like this is Gods way of saying "no excuses." I'm so excited to try out the recipes and make smoothies a part of our daily meal routine. :)

Lord, you continue to amaze me. Thank you for the way you continue to take care of us and lead us along your path.

The steps of a person are ordained by The Lord- so how can anyone understand his own way?

Proverbs 20:24

Just Be Still....

I can't tell you how many times I've prayed that God will show me what He wants me to do in all this. Some days I feel like a lump on a log. Like the only thing I accomplish is taking my medicine and laying down for a nap.  While I know these are both very important things for me to do right now, it still doesn't feel like much. I feel like I physically need to be doing something. 

Today I saw my oncologist for my 2 week check up and iv meds. We were discussing how well things have been going and I mentioned how good God has been and how He just keeps taking care of us. She smiled and we kept talking about my meds and treatment.  A few minutes later, as she was examining me she said "you mentioned how good God has been....did you know that we've been using Dukes protocol on 6 other patients and they are doing better than expected?" I think my heart skipped a beat. I got goose bumps all over my body! I had no idea that there were even 6 other people with brain tumors in the area, let alone 6 who had the same doctor and were being helped by the same treatment I was getting! And the best part of it is they are doing better than expected! I knew from the beginning God sent us The Tug McGraw Foundation for a reason. They lead us to Duke, and my doctors at Duke found my local oncologist. At the time, we were just happy to find a doctor that would follow Dukes aggressive treatment plan close to home. I just wanted to be with my guys as much as I could.  I had no idea that 6 other lives would benefit from our simple decision to have treatment at home. 

I know that God always has a plan and that we may not always see it or understand it. I feel so incredibly blessed to actually hear about part of His plan taking shape. I realize there is more to this brain tumor than just me and how it's affected my life. Gods got the bigger picture and bigger plans than what I can even comprehend. And for that reason, I will continue to completely trust in Him. It means so much to me to know that even when I feel like I’m doing nothing, God can use me for something. He's so got this!!

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10