A Year Ago Today...

This time last year I had no

Idea how quick and how drastically my life was going to change. What I thought was going to result in sinus surgery, turned into something much more serious than I had ever imagined.

December 19 2012

I was laying in bed trying to get the pressure in my head to go away when my phone rang. It was my ENTs office. I had an MRI that morning so I had been waiting for them to call. The nurse asked if I would be able to come into their office that afternoon so the doctor could go over the findings. I agreed so we scheduled an appt for later that day. My husband came into the room to find out what they had said and as I was telling him, his phone rang. It was my ENTs office. He answered and talked with the nurse for a minute then asked her if she could tell him what they found. He hung up shortly after. As we looked at each other without saying a word, I knew it couldn't be good. When I finally asked him what they wanted, he told me the nurse wanted to make sure he was coming to the appointment too because they knew I would be upset and wanted to have someone there for me. But that's all she would tell him. I immediately started to cry. As I held my little g who had just turned one

four days before, I completely lost it. I knew it had to be bad.  All I remember is crying and saying "please God, no" over and over. My husband went outside and started to make some calls. I went out to check on him at one point and realized he had been crying too. How could this be happening....

We called our aunt and cousin to help with the boys because we knew it would be best not to have them with us. We packed up all their things and dropped off little g. Big g was still at school and our cousin was going to pick him up.

The drive to my drs office seemed to take forever. When we finally got there I felt a peace come over me as we waited. I was so scared, more scared than I had ever been, but I felt like it was going to be ok. The nurse brought us back into an exam room and told us the dr would be in shortly. When he walked in, he didn't have the smile and happy attitude he did the first time we met. He sat down and I could tell he was having a hard time finding the words to say. I started to cry and told him I knew it must be hard to be in his shoes. He told us that they had found a tumor and then took us into another room to show us the actual MRI images. As we went thru them, he told us he had already contacted a neurosurgeon and had an appt scheduled for us the next morning. We finished talking with him and headed out to the truck to go home. As soon as we got into the truck we both started to cry again. There was no way that this could be happening. Both of our parents were waiting to hear from us and I knew my composure was better than my husbands so I started to make the calls. Let me tell you what....those 2 calls were probably the hardest I've ever had to make. Telling your loved ones, parents especially that you have a brain tumor that's inoperable, and hearing them start to cry is one of the worst experiences ever. On the way home I sent a text message to a few close friends asking them to pray. I had no idea what else to do but knew prayer was the place to start.

The next morning we arrived at the neurosurgeons office. It didn't take long before the dr was ready to see us. He took us into a room where we were able to view more of my scans. He talked a little about the tumor but was mostly concerned with the hydrocephalus  (fluid on the brain) which had been causing all the pressure in my head. The tumor was blocking an opening where the cerebral spinal fluid drains so the fluid was causing the insane pressure in my head. He wanted me admitted to the ICU as soon as possible. He said that I needed to be monitored because it was so severe that if I went to sleep there was a chance I wouldn't wake up. My one year old was sitting next to me in his stroller. I just stared at him and started to cry. The doctor also told us I would need surgery the next day to place a shunt that would allow the fluid to drain. He wanted to do a biopsy of the tumor at the same time but he didn't have the necessary equipment. It would take a few days to get it there and at this point he said we couldn't wait.

As they were making arrangements for me to be admitted to the ICU we once again called our parents. They were almost 12 hours away but we knew that it would help so much to have them with us. My Mom booked a flight for that evening and my husbands parents started packing to make the drive.

We headed over to the hospital and waited to be admitted. They took us upstairs and introduced us to my nurse. They advised us that little g was not allowed in ICI which  I completely understood so my husband took him home to our aunt while I got settled. If you've never been in the ICU, let me tell you, the bathroom arrangements down right stink! Why?? Because There are no bathrooms!! Ha!  Almost all of the patients are unconscious or unable to get out of bed. They don't walk around and talk like I was able to. My options were a bed pan or the toilet on wheels.  Neither of which I really cared to use! Just a little humor. Anyway.  My husband came back that afternoon and stayed with me until he had to get my mom from the airport. They both came back and stayed for a while. It was nice to have company and keep my mind off things for a bit. My mom went to our house and stayed with the boys while my in laws came to visit. My husband wasn't allowed to spend the night so everyone went home.

I was so exhausted but couldn't sleep.  I was so thankful I had the most amazing nurse. She'd come in and talk to me through out the night. She even read my doctors reports to me and explained them so I that I could understand them. Surely made the night go by faster. In the morning, they brought me supplies so I could "bathe" before surgery. Once again no bathrooms....

My husband and my mom came shortly after and it was almost time for surgery to start. My dr and anesthesiologist came in and went over everything and before I knew it, we were in the elevator heading to surgery. When we reached the surgery floor I said goodbye to my mom and my husband and was taken to the operating room. As we passed the nurses station one of the nurses smiled at me and said "good morning." As I smiled back at her tears began to fill my eyes. This really was happening. I was being taken to have surgery on my brain.  Seriously?? My anesthesiologist noticed I was upset and started to rub my shoulder. He told me he had been diagnosed with cancer and to

just stay calm and relax. When we got into the operating room he gave me something to "help me relax " and next thing I knew I was waking up after surgery.