In His Time....

God has such an amazing way of letting us know he's there. Atleast to me he does. I have been feeling great all day. Positive and ready to go. As I walked into the MRI room I had my scriptures that I always repeat and was ready to close my eyes and pray.  As I sat down on the MRI table and they placed the headphones over my ears the words of the song playing immediately brought tears to my eyes. Here with Me by Mercy Me was on.

 " I can feel your presence here with me. Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty. Caught up in the wonder of your touch. Here in this moment I surrender to your love."

I've  heard this song a million times before but never has it touched me in this way. I knew at that very moment God was with me.  I could feel his presence  and was quite honestly overwhelmed. I know he's always with me. But it's times like this that seem to "confirm" it. As emotional as it can be, I truly love moments like this. I was actually quite thankful to be in the middle of a tube with a shield over my face so no one could see me crying. It was a good cry though. An at peace and sense of relief cry. I wasn't sad or scared. Just overwhelmed by it all. In a good way. I had no idea what the results of the MRI would be but I knew no matter what God was in control and he would take care of it. I love being able to say that and find so much peace in knowing that he will.

When we met with my dr this morning and found out about the new "spot" they are watching I wasn't afraid. A little bummed because I always hope they will come back and tell me I'm completely cancer free. But that's obviously not God's will yet.  It was a great reminder to me that as much as I want to be cancer free, that may not be what is best for my life at this point. Sometimes I get so excited and hopeful for things to come in the future that I look past the blessings of today. Sure God knows what's ahead and I know he's got an amazing plan for my life. But that's for Him to take care of and prepare. My job is to trust Him and take it one day at a time. Sometimes it's hard. Because I would love to be a "normal" Mom and wife again. To be able to drive, to go for a walk with my 2yr old, to be able to have our own home again. To help my husband more and take some of the financial and daily burdens off of him. To give my parents their sanity and their house back!! To give my husbands parents their "un-scheduled" life back instead of always having to help with the boys. But that's why I love times like this. Because it makes me even more thankful for all the ways we've been blessed. We can't do this alone. And honestly, who really needs a house? It would be great to have our own space but we have a place to call home. Yes, it would be nice to drive again. My vision has not improved enough for that yet. But I can still see my boys precious faces, so I'm very thankful for sight. My husband works so hard, and I'm very thankful for his job and the insurance it provides. Our parents are amazing and help in anyway they can. So really, Who could ask for more? Is my tumor gone? Nope. But it's stable. And you know what, It really doesn't matter to me if it ever goes away. I pray it does. But most of all, I pray that I will wake up each morning and see all the faces that I love. To see my husband laying next to me and to be able to kiss his cheek. To hear my boys laughing through the walls as they wake up. (The best alarm clock ever!!) To feel our dogs cold, wet nose shoved in my face as she checks to make sure I'm awake and that I hear that "her" boys are ready to start the day. Those are the daily blessings I need to focus on. The others will come in time. His time.

Psalm 71:14 As for me I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more.

No time for negative~

It's that time again. Spending the weekend packing and organizing to head to Duke on Monday. I'm usually a wreck before we go. Emotional, nervous, and just on edge.  For one, I hate leaving my boys. I know they love their time with Grammy and Pa but it's hard to leave them. 

My nerves always start to get the best of me before we go too. A fellow brain cancer warrior told me it's called "PMS".  Pre MRI syndrome!!! It's just so difficult not knowing what they are going to see.

A few months ago I read something and it has just stuck in my mind. I just keep repeating it as the negative thoughts pop up. "Stop thinking of what could go wrong and start thinking of what could go right." Such a hard concept for our brains, but it makes so much sense. So that's what I've been trying to do. When I worry about something, I immediately think of the opposite outcome (the positive one) and I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes. My whole frame of mind changes. That being said, I'm finding myself a bit relaxed about our trip this time. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but it sure feels pretty good not to be so worried. I know that God has got this.  I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but as long as He's leading the way, I know we will make it though.

I often think of the day when my husband and I can hear and say the words  "cancer free". Don't get me wrong, I'm more than thankful to be where we are. We've come a long way in a year. But something about saying those words...... Maybe it's silly but it sure makes me smile to think about it.

I remember the look in my husbands eyes the day we found out about the tumor. I'd love to replace that with the look in his eyes the day we found out its gone! And I believe I will. And then to be able to tell Big G..... And our families! See! Here I go!! I've got to admit, it is so much more fun to think about what could go right.  I hate worrying. I've always been a huge worry wart so quite honestly I think this is a huge step for me. God hasn't given me any reason to doubt or not trust Him. He's taken care of us in ways that are better than what we've asked. So I'm giving it to Him. I know He will take care of it. All of it. In ways that I can't even begin to imagine. And I just can't even tell you how that makes me feel. God is amazing.  And I truly can't thank him enough. So, for now, were ready for a great trip with a great report! God's got this and I'm loving ever minute of it!!

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us. To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Happy New Year!!!

Man. I can't believe another year is over.  But I must admit I'm excited to see what 2014 has in store for our family. Ready to start fresh. New year. New blessings. New goals. New excitement!! I'm ready!! 

This may sound silly, but there are certain times I am filled with this amazing since of joy. It usually just happens. I'm not doing anything in particular, and most times I'm not even doing anything fun or exciting. It's just something that comes over me. Like I'm glad to just be alive and doing whatever it is I'm doing. Just an amazing, happy feeling. Something that I had never really experienced before. I love when it happens. It gets me excited. Determined. Thankful. 

2013 wasn't a bad year by any means. It surely has been full of blessings. I've learned and grown so much in the last year and I'm very thankful for every experience that was brought our way. Am I sad to see it go? Maybe just a little. But I am so excited to see what God has planned in the year ahead.  While I realize my life will never be like it used to be, I'm really ok with that. I don't want to look back. I want to look ahead. We may not have the home, money, or stuff that we used to, but I am so thankful for the way our family has grown together. I love my husband more than ever and find myself thankful for things that used to drive me crazy. I MAKE more time to simply play or just spend time with my boys. Instead of just spending a few minutes getting them involved in something so I can have a chance to get something done, I actually sit down and play. I love it. I even think most times I have more patience with them then I used to. Don't get me wrong, every day is not a perfect day. Most are very far from perfect. But you know what? Were together. To me that's all that matters. 

Every morning the first thing I do, even before I open my eyes is thank God for another day. I could care less about the money, the house or the stuff. I just want to be together. I want to grow old with my husband. I want to see my boys have families of their own. I want to see our parents be great grand-parents. What God has planned I really don't know. But for now I will keep on thanking him for each and every day. I honestly wasn't sure I'd see another year, so I am so incredibly thankful for each and every day!!

Alright 2014. Bring it on!!!!!

This is the day that The Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24

A Year Ago Today...

This time last year I had no

Idea how quick and how drastically my life was going to change. What I thought was going to result in sinus surgery, turned into something much more serious than I had ever imagined.

December 19 2012

I was laying in bed trying to get the pressure in my head to go away when my phone rang. It was my ENTs office. I had an MRI that morning so I had been waiting for them to call. The nurse asked if I would be able to come into their office that afternoon so the doctor could go over the findings. I agreed so we scheduled an appt for later that day. My husband came into the room to find out what they had said and as I was telling him, his phone rang. It was my ENTs office. He answered and talked with the nurse for a minute then asked her if she could tell him what they found. He hung up shortly after. As we looked at each other without saying a word, I knew it couldn't be good. When I finally asked him what they wanted, he told me the nurse wanted to make sure he was coming to the appointment too because they knew I would be upset and wanted to have someone there for me. But that's all she would tell him. I immediately started to cry. As I held my little g who had just turned one

four days before, I completely lost it. I knew it had to be bad.  All I remember is crying and saying "please God, no" over and over. My husband went outside and started to make some calls. I went out to check on him at one point and realized he had been crying too. How could this be happening....

We called our aunt and cousin to help with the boys because we knew it would be best not to have them with us. We packed up all their things and dropped off little g. Big g was still at school and our cousin was going to pick him up.

The drive to my drs office seemed to take forever. When we finally got there I felt a peace come over me as we waited. I was so scared, more scared than I had ever been, but I felt like it was going to be ok. The nurse brought us back into an exam room and told us the dr would be in shortly. When he walked in, he didn't have the smile and happy attitude he did the first time we met. He sat down and I could tell he was having a hard time finding the words to say. I started to cry and told him I knew it must be hard to be in his shoes. He told us that they had found a tumor and then took us into another room to show us the actual MRI images. As we went thru them, he told us he had already contacted a neurosurgeon and had an appt scheduled for us the next morning. We finished talking with him and headed out to the truck to go home. As soon as we got into the truck we both started to cry again. There was no way that this could be happening. Both of our parents were waiting to hear from us and I knew my composure was better than my husbands so I started to make the calls. Let me tell you what....those 2 calls were probably the hardest I've ever had to make. Telling your loved ones, parents especially that you have a brain tumor that's inoperable, and hearing them start to cry is one of the worst experiences ever. On the way home I sent a text message to a few close friends asking them to pray. I had no idea what else to do but knew prayer was the place to start.

The next morning we arrived at the neurosurgeons office. It didn't take long before the dr was ready to see us. He took us into a room where we were able to view more of my scans. He talked a little about the tumor but was mostly concerned with the hydrocephalus  (fluid on the brain) which had been causing all the pressure in my head. The tumor was blocking an opening where the cerebral spinal fluid drains so the fluid was causing the insane pressure in my head. He wanted me admitted to the ICU as soon as possible. He said that I needed to be monitored because it was so severe that if I went to sleep there was a chance I wouldn't wake up. My one year old was sitting next to me in his stroller. I just stared at him and started to cry. The doctor also told us I would need surgery the next day to place a shunt that would allow the fluid to drain. He wanted to do a biopsy of the tumor at the same time but he didn't have the necessary equipment. It would take a few days to get it there and at this point he said we couldn't wait.

As they were making arrangements for me to be admitted to the ICU we once again called our parents. They were almost 12 hours away but we knew that it would help so much to have them with us. My Mom booked a flight for that evening and my husbands parents started packing to make the drive.

We headed over to the hospital and waited to be admitted. They took us upstairs and introduced us to my nurse. They advised us that little g was not allowed in ICI which  I completely understood so my husband took him home to our aunt while I got settled. If you've never been in the ICU, let me tell you, the bathroom arrangements down right stink! Why?? Because There are no bathrooms!! Ha!  Almost all of the patients are unconscious or unable to get out of bed. They don't walk around and talk like I was able to. My options were a bed pan or the toilet on wheels.  Neither of which I really cared to use! Just a little humor. Anyway.  My husband came back that afternoon and stayed with me until he had to get my mom from the airport. They both came back and stayed for a while. It was nice to have company and keep my mind off things for a bit. My mom went to our house and stayed with the boys while my in laws came to visit. My husband wasn't allowed to spend the night so everyone went home.

I was so exhausted but couldn't sleep.  I was so thankful I had the most amazing nurse. She'd come in and talk to me through out the night. She even read my doctors reports to me and explained them so I that I could understand them. Surely made the night go by faster. In the morning, they brought me supplies so I could "bathe" before surgery. Once again no bathrooms....

My husband and my mom came shortly after and it was almost time for surgery to start. My dr and anesthesiologist came in and went over everything and before I knew it, we were in the elevator heading to surgery. When we reached the surgery floor I said goodbye to my mom and my husband and was taken to the operating room. As we passed the nurses station one of the nurses smiled at me and said "good morning." As I smiled back at her tears began to fill my eyes. This really was happening. I was being taken to have surgery on my brain.  Seriously?? My anesthesiologist noticed I was upset and started to rub my shoulder. He told me he had been diagnosed with cancer and to

just stay calm and relax. When we got into the operating room he gave me something to "help me relax " and next thing I knew I was waking up after surgery.

Made for each other....

It shouldn't surprise me, but I am once again amazed at the way God works. The way he organizes things into His plan before we even have any idea about it, before we're even born for that matter. It's just awesome. I've always loved my husband. Very much. But with everything that's been happening this last year, I've gained a whole new respect for the man that he is.


When we said our vows 11 years ago, I don't think either one of us was prepared for some of the things we'd face as husband and wife. I am so incredibly thankful that God chose him for me.

It may sound silly but just having him around makes me feel better. He doesn't have to say or do anything, just be close by. He's gone on the weekends for work and I always feel so excited on Monday mornings knowing he will be back home. Now don't get me wrong, there are times I'd like to smack him upside his head, (and I'm sure he'd love to do the same to me sometimes!) but the way he has taken over in all this makes me feel so less likely to actually do it!

Sometimes he's so organized im afraid to touch anything! He has all my medical documents organized and copies are on his phone and iPad.  We have a synced calendar listing all of my appointments and dates to start and stop taking my medicines. He even has little "alarms" set to help me remember. There are copies of every MRI and CT Scan I've had neatly filed away. You name it, he's got it! It really makes me proud. I know that may sound funny, but it does. It's very comforting to know where I am lacking, he's picking up the slack. Makes all these changes a little easier to swallow.

Speaking of changes, as we celebrate our 11th Anniversary today, I was thinking about all the things that have changed.  11 yrs ago I was 19 and he was 22. We both had nice figures, loved to sleep in and would go grocery shopping in the middle of the night. We had our "song" that we would sing and quote to each other. Life was great.

11 yrs later I'm 30 and he's 33.  Were both well fed, haha, we hardly ever get to sleep in, we've got to be home by 6 pm to get the boys bathed and to bed and we now sing a "kick cancers butt" song as our family theme. But life is still great. I would actually say better. Yes, we had more money then, more free time and were more spontaneous but I love our life together.  God has blessed us in ways I would never have imagined. I really am excited to see what God has planned for us in the years ahead. I am so very blessed.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 NIV)