I'm scared. There. I said it. I.....Am......Scared. I'm very scared to be honest. But I'm not sure exactly why. Sure there are circumstances in my life I'd love to change, but what would I want them to change to?? Truth is, I have absolutely no idea.  Sometimes I'd love to go back to Alabama before all this started. We were so happy there. School was great for Big G. He had great friends and so did we. We had just found a church we all were happy to attend. Things were going well. We had even started to "scope out" areas where we might like to buy a house. Things were going great. But something was missing.This one thing was always in my thoughts when we'd talk about staying. This one thing was holding me back from committing to stay.....our families. Our Aunt, Uncle and Cousin were close by and amazing, but something about not being close to our immediate families held me back.  It just didn't feel "right"....obviously it wasn't in God's plan either or else I think we'd still be there.

I've learned so much over the past couple years. But one thing that I can always count on to give me peace is knowing that I'm right where God wants me and that He is always right here with me. How do I know He's with me? Because there is no possible way I could get out of bed each morning without Him being here.

This cancer garbage is hard. I never thought it would be easy, but I tell you what.....It attacks every aspect of your life, not just your body. It messes with your hopes and dreams and finds ways to bring attention to your fears and tries to make you focus on them. No matter how you are feeling physically, the mental and emotional struggle can be just as difficult, if not worse.  There are days where it's all I can do to keep myself from breaking down into tears. There are also days where I feel beyond blessed for my new perspective on things......those are the days I wish I had every day! But I know in my heart that God is using the difficult days for something good, because He's just awesome like that.

I love being able to see Gods hand in things and the ways He uses me and my family. The one situation that always comes to mind is when my local oncologist told me and my husband that they were using my same treatment plan on other brain tumor patients and they were responding well. Better than expected in fact. I had no idea....I never ever thought being a "Guinea Pig" would make me happy, but it did. And still does.

Every morning is different for me. Some days I'm ready to hop out of bed and start the day. But then there are some where I would just love to lay there all day. Thankfully, my boys don't allow that to happen! Even though sometimes it would be nice ;)

I've been getting really discouraged lately and have been fighting off feelings that I hate even having. My new glasses haven't been working like they were and my vision is pretty bad again. I've been wearing my old glasses which helps some, but driving really isn't a good idea now. It's such a bummer especially with school starting soon. I had really hoped I'd be able to take the boys to school. But I'm not really sure how that's going to work out.

I hate doubt. I hate fear. I hate worry. I hate being scared. And most of all I hate being an inconvenience and having to depend on other people all the time. I want to do it myself. All of it!!! I know that isn't possible, but so often I feel like people think I'm being lazy or just don't want to do something. But it's so stinking scary.  I never know what each day will bring. I know that none of us do. But when your brain, that controls every single part of your body, is the problem, it just down right sucks.  Each day is different and I don't ever know if I should expect a good day or a bad day which makes it so hard to commit to anything.

For some reason writing all of this has struck a chord and I can't stop the tears. It's so frustrating. I have so much to be thankful for.  So very much. But sometimes I can't even find the energy to focus on it.

One of the things that is hardest is when people don't understand or just get down right frustrated with me. It's so hard. And quite honestly it hurts. As much as I want to be like the "old me " and be independent, I can't. Trust me. I want to. I just can't.  I don't want to have to live with my parents. I don't want to have to ask for help so often. I don't want to tell myself I can't do things. I don't want to have to disappoint everyone and be a burden. I don't want to cause so much stress for everyone. But honestly, I can't help it. I try really hard. I just can't change my brain. (maybe a brain transplant would be worth looking into?? Hmmm. What a great idea! Yes, I still have them every now and then!)

Lord,
I need you. I need your strength and peace to help me get through this. I really am scared and I'm getting discouraged. Help me to see and focus on the blessings you have provided and continue to pour out. Help me keep the doubt and frustration from my thoughts and my heart. My trust and my hope are completely in you. Give me, my family and friends patience and understanding when it comes to dealing with the "new" me as it is quite an adjustment for us all. Please use me and use this situation to some how be able to help others. Please give peace and encouragement to each person who reads this.  Help us all to see and focus on your blessings every day. Thank you Lord for the many ways you take care of us. In Jesus name, Amen.

Zeph 3:17 The Lord your God is with you the mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you, in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you in singing.