There are times when I wonder if I ask God for too much. Do I pray too much? I know He always wants us to come to Him, but sometimes I do feel guilty.
When all this started I really only asked for one thing. Life. I just wanted to live. I didn't care how or what circumstances I would go through, just simply life. But lately I've found myself asking Him for more. Improved vision, higher counts, relief from medication side effects, keeping our family germ free....even the ability to drive again and have a home of our own. Not quite sure why, but Sometimes I feel bad praying for those things. On the other hand I want Him in control of it all. The only way I know how to do that is to pray about it and give it to Him.
He has already provided so much for our family...when we didn't even ask. Things we didn't even know to pray for, He literally put it in front of our faces. (I love when He does that..He just shows us exactly what we need to do and the peace that comes along with it is indescribable. You just know it's Him) I have no doubt He will provide, according to His will, at the perfect time. No doubt what so ever. But is He ok with prayers for the "little stuff"?
I never would have thought I'd be in my 30's and my family living with my parents. It's been hard adjusting to changes. But what I have a really hard time with is not comparing myself to other warriors stories. Even my Dr. Said today that you don't see any positive cases of pineal tumors like mine. "Google it" she says. Um....no thanks. Been there. Done that. Not doing it again.
I don't want my story to be like all the others. And I don't believe it will. I want my story to be the one that gives others hope. That gives them strength and encourages them to keep their Faith and trust in God. I want them to "Google it" and have my story be the first one they read. Not the ones of doom and gloom like I read while trying to educate myself.
My Dr still says I'm doing "remarkably well". I'll take it...for now. But I still believe God is going to knock their socks off with my story!
She also told us that they don't expect much improvement beyond this point and since they are switching up my chemo meds we should expect to see new growth at our next visit. Hmmm. Not so sure I agree. I love my doctors and I'm so thankful for all that they have done and continue to do. But I trust God so much more. I trust the one who I know can do "immeasurably more" than I could ever ask or imagine. I want to focus on Him. Not all the horribly sad stories of amazingly strong people who have lost the battle. I know I'm really no different than they are. And I still get so frightened at times because I know the path this could take. But let me tell you right now.... I will NEVER lose faith or hope in God and what He can do. No study, research project, doctors diagnosis or MRI is bigger than He is. Hes already proved that to us several times.
At our last Duke visit I was devastated. Tears pouring down my face and a heart full of fear because my doctor said the words "new growth". The sorrow did last for the night, But then the joy came in the morning. The call that revealed "no active cancer cells." That to me was just another way of God showing us to simply trust Him. He's got this! The MRI may have showed new growth but God had other plans!
Yes I love and trust my doctors and yes I need them. But I believe that God is working through them and using them to provide the treatment I need. The treatment I need for His purpose and plan for my life.
I feel like I've totally gone off topic! But I guess what I'm wondering is, can you ask God for too much?? Sometimes I do wonder about His reaction or the look on His face when I pray about certain things. I picture Him standing with His face buried in His hands, head shaking, and saying "Let go of it girl! (Please know I mean absolutely no disrespect with that comment. I just believe God has a sense of humor like most of us do!)
Anyway. I'd love to hear any comments or insight on this...
Can you ask for or pray too much??
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
God's Promises
Did something tonight that I haven't been able to do in quite awhile. I gave little g a bath. On my own. This may sound crazy, but it was a great feeling. A little bit of "normal" back in my life. It made me think of the days before all this. When our life was "normal."
So often I long for that life back. It even makes me sad to think that our lives will never be that way again. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our daily life that we very easily take little things for granted. Like being able to give our kids a bath. Who ever would have thought that would bring me so much joy.
My husband and I have been discussing plans on how to get both boys to and from school next year. Something that should be so easy turns into who can we ask to help us. I'm determined that I WILL drive again. But we can't use that as our plan until it happens. When my vision is really bad, which is most days now, I get so frustrated and start to doubt that I will ever see like I used to again. It's been on my mind so much lately. Life would be so much simpler if I could drive. We wouldn't have to rely on everyone to constantly help us. And besides, I really think it would help me to have a little independence back in my life.
This may be totally off the topic but I just have to share how God uses every day situations to show us He's still here.
I was at a Drs appt with my husband today and he asked me if I noticed the nurses glasses. When she came back in I saw that she had a prism on her lenses. We asked her about it and she said that it really helps her and that she's only met one other person who has a prism like hers.
At my last appt with the neuro-optometrist, he said a prism might really help my vision. He used one to "test" my eyes and I really could see! He wanted to monitor me for a bit before telling us to invest in getting one. We go back to see him in June and you can bet I will be asking about it! But talking with her made me think to myself, "Ok God. You've totally got this." I mean seriously, what are the odds of running into someone with the prism at a Drs. appt for my husband??
I love the reassurance God gives. Sometimes it really does feel like there is no way this will all work out and I just can't understand why we have to go through it. And to be honest, it's scary. But I know He's always there and it's things like this that confirm it. Its things like this that help me get through the scary stuff.
It's been crazy lately. In the same day last week, my husband was in a car accident on the way to work(thank you God he is fine!), we had to put our sweet pup of 13 yrs to sleep, and the company my husband works for announced some major changes and had several hundred lay-offs. My mind and emotions have been mush. But there is still no doubt in my mind that God is in control. I've made myself literally find the blessings in each situation. It's not always easy, but I know there is always a blessing to be found.
We sang the song "Promises" by Sanctus Real at church this past Sunday. The lyrics are amazing and just what I needed to hear at a time when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. When it comes to Gods promises, there is nothing I could ever be more sure about. His promises are what get me through each day.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)
So often I long for that life back. It even makes me sad to think that our lives will never be that way again. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our daily life that we very easily take little things for granted. Like being able to give our kids a bath. Who ever would have thought that would bring me so much joy.
My husband and I have been discussing plans on how to get both boys to and from school next year. Something that should be so easy turns into who can we ask to help us. I'm determined that I WILL drive again. But we can't use that as our plan until it happens. When my vision is really bad, which is most days now, I get so frustrated and start to doubt that I will ever see like I used to again. It's been on my mind so much lately. Life would be so much simpler if I could drive. We wouldn't have to rely on everyone to constantly help us. And besides, I really think it would help me to have a little independence back in my life.
This may be totally off the topic but I just have to share how God uses every day situations to show us He's still here.
I was at a Drs appt with my husband today and he asked me if I noticed the nurses glasses. When she came back in I saw that she had a prism on her lenses. We asked her about it and she said that it really helps her and that she's only met one other person who has a prism like hers.
At my last appt with the neuro-optometrist, he said a prism might really help my vision. He used one to "test" my eyes and I really could see! He wanted to monitor me for a bit before telling us to invest in getting one. We go back to see him in June and you can bet I will be asking about it! But talking with her made me think to myself, "Ok God. You've totally got this." I mean seriously, what are the odds of running into someone with the prism at a Drs. appt for my husband??
I love the reassurance God gives. Sometimes it really does feel like there is no way this will all work out and I just can't understand why we have to go through it. And to be honest, it's scary. But I know He's always there and it's things like this that confirm it. Its things like this that help me get through the scary stuff.
It's been crazy lately. In the same day last week, my husband was in a car accident on the way to work(thank you God he is fine!), we had to put our sweet pup of 13 yrs to sleep, and the company my husband works for announced some major changes and had several hundred lay-offs. My mind and emotions have been mush. But there is still no doubt in my mind that God is in control. I've made myself literally find the blessings in each situation. It's not always easy, but I know there is always a blessing to be found.
We sang the song "Promises" by Sanctus Real at church this past Sunday. The lyrics are amazing and just what I needed to hear at a time when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. When it comes to Gods promises, there is nothing I could ever be more sure about. His promises are what get me through each day.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)
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