I'm scared. There. I said it. I.....Am......Scared. I'm very scared to be honest. But I'm not sure exactly why. Sure there are circumstances in my life I'd love to change, but what would I want them to change to?? Truth is, I have absolutely no idea.  Sometimes I'd love to go back to Alabama before all this started. We were so happy there. School was great for Big G. He had great friends and so did we. We had just found a church we all were happy to attend. Things were going well. We had even started to "scope out" areas where we might like to buy a house. Things were going great. But something was missing.This one thing was always in my thoughts when we'd talk about staying. This one thing was holding me back from committing to stay.....our families. Our Aunt, Uncle and Cousin were close by and amazing, but something about not being close to our immediate families held me back.  It just didn't feel "right"....obviously it wasn't in God's plan either or else I think we'd still be there.

I've learned so much over the past couple years. But one thing that I can always count on to give me peace is knowing that I'm right where God wants me and that He is always right here with me. How do I know He's with me? Because there is no possible way I could get out of bed each morning without Him being here.

This cancer garbage is hard. I never thought it would be easy, but I tell you what.....It attacks every aspect of your life, not just your body. It messes with your hopes and dreams and finds ways to bring attention to your fears and tries to make you focus on them. No matter how you are feeling physically, the mental and emotional struggle can be just as difficult, if not worse.  There are days where it's all I can do to keep myself from breaking down into tears. There are also days where I feel beyond blessed for my new perspective on things......those are the days I wish I had every day! But I know in my heart that God is using the difficult days for something good, because He's just awesome like that.

I love being able to see Gods hand in things and the ways He uses me and my family. The one situation that always comes to mind is when my local oncologist told me and my husband that they were using my same treatment plan on other brain tumor patients and they were responding well. Better than expected in fact. I had no idea....I never ever thought being a "Guinea Pig" would make me happy, but it did. And still does.

Every morning is different for me. Some days I'm ready to hop out of bed and start the day. But then there are some where I would just love to lay there all day. Thankfully, my boys don't allow that to happen! Even though sometimes it would be nice ;)

I've been getting really discouraged lately and have been fighting off feelings that I hate even having. My new glasses haven't been working like they were and my vision is pretty bad again. I've been wearing my old glasses which helps some, but driving really isn't a good idea now. It's such a bummer especially with school starting soon. I had really hoped I'd be able to take the boys to school. But I'm not really sure how that's going to work out.

I hate doubt. I hate fear. I hate worry. I hate being scared. And most of all I hate being an inconvenience and having to depend on other people all the time. I want to do it myself. All of it!!! I know that isn't possible, but so often I feel like people think I'm being lazy or just don't want to do something. But it's so stinking scary.  I never know what each day will bring. I know that none of us do. But when your brain, that controls every single part of your body, is the problem, it just down right sucks.  Each day is different and I don't ever know if I should expect a good day or a bad day which makes it so hard to commit to anything.

For some reason writing all of this has struck a chord and I can't stop the tears. It's so frustrating. I have so much to be thankful for.  So very much. But sometimes I can't even find the energy to focus on it.

One of the things that is hardest is when people don't understand or just get down right frustrated with me. It's so hard. And quite honestly it hurts. As much as I want to be like the "old me " and be independent, I can't. Trust me. I want to. I just can't.  I don't want to have to live with my parents. I don't want to have to ask for help so often. I don't want to tell myself I can't do things. I don't want to have to disappoint everyone and be a burden. I don't want to cause so much stress for everyone. But honestly, I can't help it. I try really hard. I just can't change my brain. (maybe a brain transplant would be worth looking into?? Hmmm. What a great idea! Yes, I still have them every now and then!)

Lord,
I need you. I need your strength and peace to help me get through this. I really am scared and I'm getting discouraged. Help me to see and focus on the blessings you have provided and continue to pour out. Help me keep the doubt and frustration from my thoughts and my heart. My trust and my hope are completely in you. Give me, my family and friends patience and understanding when it comes to dealing with the "new" me as it is quite an adjustment for us all. Please use me and use this situation to some how be able to help others. Please give peace and encouragement to each person who reads this.  Help us all to see and focus on your blessings every day. Thank you Lord for the many ways you take care of us. In Jesus name, Amen.

Zeph 3:17 The Lord your God is with you the mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you, in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you in singing.

Trusting in Him

When I stop and really think about all that's happened over the past 2 years, I'm filled with such peace. God has completely taken care of our family. Now believe me, I'm not saying that it's all been "peaches and cream" by any means. But He ALWAYS provides. Funny thing is, in most cases, what He provides is not what we've prayed for........it's better!! And that's how I know it's God. He's always doing "immeasurably more" (Ephesians 3:20) than what we ask. 

I know I've mentioned before that I'm always afraid of asking God for too much. There are so many people suffering, sometimes I hesitate to pray about the "small stuff". 

Perfect example. For over a year now I've been struggling with my vision. Seeing double and not being able to focus in on objects. I hadn't really prayed about it because I just pray for another day of life. But I finally started to pray about that specifically as well. 

I've seen my neuro optometrist a few times and he's pretty much just wanted to monitor me. But at my last visit, I told him I'd love to be able to drive again. And his response was "Well sure! Why not??"  We left that day with 2 prescriptions. About an hour later I had new glasses.....My sister took me to pick them up and I think she was a bit thrown off when I started to cry in the middle of the eyeglass store!! I could see!!! Overwhelmed by another one of Gods blessings. But, I must say, the best part came when I got home....my sweet 2 year old ran up to check out Mommy's new glasses and guess what...I could actually focus in on his sweet face! A definite gift from God!! I'm still adjusting to the new prescription and prisms but very soon, I will be driving again!! So much more than what I had been praying for. And so much sooner than I ever thought it would happen!!

Now this next praise isn't definite yet but I just have to share....for quite sometime I have been wanting my husband to find a job closer to home. (Right now he's gone 4 days a week working and he spends the night with family on those days so he doesn't have a 2 hour commute to and from work.) The school that he attended is very close to where we live so I kept mentioning to him that he should go by and see if they were hiring. He looked into it and found that we would have pretty crapy health insurance and that he, of course, would lose all the benefits he's gained with his current company over the past 13 years. Not to mention a pretty large pay cut. But I kept praying that God would provide something there for him. I was thinking that's what would be best for us. He would be home every night and we'd have weekends as a family and he would be 15 minutes from home if we needed something. What could be better??

Well, just a few weeks ago my husband told me that his company had bought another company and they were looking for employees that would be willing to transfer.  He told me that he'd like to look into it. A bit nervous, I asked him where it was located. His response completely threw me off. He said it was only a half an hour away!! And get ready for this.....because they were both now owned by the same company, my husband would be able to keep all of his benefits and we'd have the same health insurance! We would lose nothing!!! Now, like I said, nothing is definite yet.  They are still working on details and paperwork. But I'm more than confident that God has got this. I mean seriously. What are the odds??? Staying with the same company AND close to home??? I totally see Gods hand. I know it is. 

If it doesn't work out, no worries. I know he's got something better planned. But we are trusting in him and I know He will take care of it. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13 NIV)

I really don't like how long it's been since I last wrote/updated. But it seems since school has been out life has become so much more hectic. I mean that in a good way, but boy is it hard finding ways to entertain a 2 yr old AND an 8 yr old. Especially when you can't drive. Were pretty much stuck at home. And on rainy days (we've had quite a few lately ) we all start to get "cabin fever." But I am so incredibly thankful to finally be getting most of my energy back and starting to feel somewhat "normal" again.

I'm excited to say that I'm no longer taking my steroid that had all the nasty side effects.  Yay! Although they stated me on another. I guess when you take a steroid for a lengthy amount of time (mine was about 2 yrs) your adrenal system basically shuts down. Mine has had a hard time starting again on its own. So this new steroid is giving it at boost to start working again and keeping me from feeling like poo until it does. Thank you God the side effects are less and much more tolerable. I've lost about 17 pounds and have been able to know what it feels like to be cold again!! (The steroids made me feel hot ALL the time.  My skin would feel so cold but I would be sweating and just couldn't cool off. Drove me crazy!)

I've been trying not to be too hard on myself, but I really can't wait to get my "usual" energy back. I know it will get there. I'm just not very patient in waiting!! Ha!

This week I go to see my neuro-optometrist. I'm excited to go. I'm praying and trusting in God that he will have a recommendation to help me be able to see well again. Yes, my long term goal is to drive (and I WILL!!) but it would be nice to just be able to walk and navigate normally again. Right now I have to stop at curbs or steps and really go slow because I can't focus in on them. It's kind of embarrassing but I either have to follow directly behind someone or hold their hand when walking through a crowd or tight space. I may not be able to do it alone now either.....But I will!

I saw my radiation doctor this past week for a follow up. It had been 16 months!! Thank you God! He was very pleased with how things are going. He told me that he really didn't need to see me again, but he would like to keep up with how I'm doing, so he asked if it was ok with me to come back in November. I agreed and can't wait to give him more amazing news and tell him about the ways God continues to bless us.

We go back to Duke next month for another MRI and visit with my Neuro-oncologist. I still believe God is going to prove her wrong and show no evidence of new growth, even though we did change my chemo. This is my story, not anyone else's and God is the author...He's  totally got this and I'm trusting in Him, not in what has happened in other peoples stories. I appreciate the research and trials that they do very, VERY much. But I know without a doubt that God is bigger than any of that! He is the one who can do "immeasurably more" and my hope is in HIM!!  He's totally got this!

"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Prayers

There are times when I wonder if I ask God for too much. Do I pray too much? I know He always wants us to come to Him, but sometimes I do feel guilty.

When all this started I really only asked for one thing. Life. I just wanted to live. I didn't care how or what circumstances I would go through, just simply life. But lately I've found myself asking Him for more. Improved vision, higher counts, relief from medication side effects, keeping our family germ free....even the ability to drive again and have a home of our own. Not quite sure why, but Sometimes I feel bad praying for those things. On the other hand I want Him in control of it all. The only way I know how to do that is to pray about it and give it to Him.

He has already provided so much for our family...when we didn't even ask. Things we didn't even know to pray for, He literally put it in front of our faces. (I love when He does that..He just shows us exactly what we need to do and the peace that comes along with it is indescribable. You just know it's Him) I have no doubt He will provide, according to His will, at the perfect time. No doubt what so ever. But is He ok with prayers for the "little stuff"?

I never would have thought I'd be in my 30's and my family living with my parents.  It's been hard adjusting to changes. But what I have a really hard time with is not comparing myself to other warriors stories. Even my Dr. Said today that you don't see any positive cases of pineal tumors like mine. "Google it" she says. Um....no thanks. Been there. Done that. Not doing it again.

I don't want my story to be like all the others. And I don't believe it will. I want my story to be the one that gives others hope. That gives them strength and encourages them to keep their Faith and trust in God. I want them to "Google it" and have my story be the first one they read. Not the ones of doom and gloom like I read while trying to educate myself.

My Dr still says I'm doing "remarkably well". I'll take it...for now. But I still believe God is going to knock their socks off with my story!

She also told us that they don't expect much improvement beyond this point and since they are switching up my chemo meds we should expect to see new growth at our next visit.  Hmmm.  Not so sure I agree. I love my doctors and I'm so thankful for all that they have done and continue to do. But I trust God so much more. I trust the one who I know can do "immeasurably more" than I could ever ask or imagine. I want to focus on Him. Not all the horribly sad stories of amazingly strong people who have lost the battle.  I know I'm really no different than they are. And I still get so frightened at times because I know the path this could take. But let me tell you right now.... I will NEVER lose faith or hope in God and what He can do. No study, research project, doctors diagnosis or MRI is bigger than He is. Hes already proved that to us several times.

At our last Duke visit I was devastated. Tears pouring down my face and a heart full of fear because my doctor said the words "new growth".  The sorrow did last for the night, But then the joy came in the morning. The call that revealed "no active cancer cells." That to me was just another way of God showing us to simply trust Him. He's got this! The MRI may have showed new growth but God had other plans!

Yes I love and trust my doctors and yes I need them. But I believe that God is working through them and using them to provide the treatment I need. The treatment I need for His purpose and plan for my life.

I feel like I've totally gone off topic! But I guess what I'm wondering is, can you ask God for too much?? Sometimes I do wonder  about His reaction or the look on His face when I pray about certain things. I picture Him standing with His face buried in His hands, head shaking, and saying "Let go of it girl! (Please know I mean absolutely no disrespect with that comment. I just believe God has a sense of humor like most of us do!)

Anyway. I'd love to hear any comments or insight on this...
Can you ask for or pray too much??

God's Promises

Did something tonight that I haven't been able to do in quite awhile. I gave little g a bath. On my own. This may sound crazy, but it was a great feeling. A little bit of "normal" back in my life. It made me think of the days before all this. When our life was "normal."
So often I long for that life back. It even makes me sad to think that our lives will never be that way again. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our daily life that we very easily take little things for granted. Like being able to give our kids a bath. Who ever would have thought that would bring me so much joy.

My husband and I have been discussing plans on how to get both boys to and from school next year. Something that should be so easy turns into who can we ask to help us. I'm determined that I WILL drive again. But we can't use that as our plan until it happens. When my vision is really bad, which is most days now, I get so frustrated and start to doubt that I will ever see like I used to again. It's been on my mind so much lately. Life would be so much simpler if I could drive. We wouldn't have to rely on everyone to constantly help us. And besides, I really think it would help me to have a little independence back in my life.
This may be totally off the topic but I just have to share how God uses every day situations to show us He's still here.

I was at a Drs appt with my husband today and he asked me if I noticed the nurses glasses. When she came back in I saw that she had a prism on her lenses. We asked her about it and she said that it really helps her and that she's only met one other person who has a prism like hers.

At my last appt with the neuro-optometrist, he said a prism might really help my vision. He used one to "test" my eyes and I really could see! He wanted to monitor me for a bit before telling us to invest in getting one. We go back to see him in June and you can bet I will be asking about it! But talking with her made me think to myself, "Ok God. You've totally got this." I mean seriously, what are the odds of running into someone with the prism at a Drs. appt for my husband??
I love the reassurance God gives. Sometimes it really does feel like there is no way this will all work out and I just can't understand why we have to go through it. And to be honest, it's scary. But I know He's always there and it's things like this that confirm it. Its things like this that help me get through the scary stuff.

It's been crazy lately. In the same day last week, my husband was in a car accident on the way to work(thank you God he is fine!), we had to put our sweet pup of 13 yrs to sleep, and the company my husband works for announced some major changes and had several hundred lay-offs. My mind and emotions have been mush. But there is still no doubt in my mind that God is in control. I've made myself literally find the blessings in each situation. It's not always easy, but I know there is always a blessing to be found.

We sang the song "Promises" by Sanctus Real at church this past Sunday. The lyrics are amazing and just what I needed to hear at a time when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. When it comes to Gods promises, there is nothing I could ever be more sure about. His promises are what get me through each day.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)

His hand in it all.

It makes me laugh a little when I think about turning 31... It's hard to believe I'll be over 30. I used to think anything over 29 was old!! But man am I excited!!

When I look at my life it makes me smile. A huge smile. I have a husband who is truly my best friend, even after 11 years of marriage. Two wonderful boys who bring me more joy than I could ever explain, the best friends a girl could ask for and an amazing family who I am so blessed to have near.

Last year I really didn't think Id be celebrating my 31st Birthday. But The Lord has once again poured out his blessings on us.

I realize that not a single person is guaranteed another day, let alone another year.  That's a thought that crosses my mind several times a day.

It's kind of ironic that just as I think about celebrating, I received a call tonight that a very special man in my life had a heart attack yesterday. So thankful to God that he is doing ok.

As his wife told me of the days events, we were able to point out the blessings that God had provided that day. How amazing is that?? I just love how good God is. He takes a situation that is so incredibly scary, and comforts us by showing us His hand in all of it. He IS in control and I love to see the ways He continually proves it. It's like He's holding our hand and reassuring us "I'm here, trust me."  I don't know about you but that gives me so much peace. Also makes me very thankful for each and every moment.

 I know that Heaven will be so much better than anything on earth. But I must admit, I'm excited to see what my 31st year holds. Then maybe even 80???

Can't wait to write about turning 32. But in the mean time, thank you so much Lord for for this day. Your mercies and blessings are new every morning.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16 NIV)

Kicking butt and taking names!!

I've found myself feeling a little down lately. There are so many things I would like to do but it's like there is always something holding me back. Whether it's my vision or just feeling exhausted and not having the energy. I have a ton of great intentions but never seem to get the ball rolling.
 (I just have to add this in. It's really early in the morning and as I write this, and big G's hand is resting on my shoulder. My strength and encourager. Love this kid. And love that he still gets excited about having a sleep over with his Mama while Dad is working on the weekends!!)
Anyway. The more I think and pray about it I'm realizing that this in itself is another battle. Satan wants me to feel like crap. He wants me to sleep all the time and tell myself that I can't do these things. He wants me to sit back and do nothing while each day slips away.
Now I know I need to take it easy and take time to rest. But I have decided that I refuse to let this bring me down. It has definitely changed me and I'm sure it will continue to. But change isn't always bad. Different yes. But it can be good too. And the best part is it can be used for good. So that's where I'm going with this. I'm going with the good. On the days i feel tired, I'm going for a walk. When my vision is bad, I'm going to go out somewhere that I've never been no matter how hard it is to navigate an unknown place. When I feel down I'm going to reach out to someone else who needs encouragement.  Whatever negative comes my way, I'm doing the opposite. I know there will still be days ahead where I feel terrible and have a hard time pushing through. But I know that God will be right there with me giving me the strength and whatever else I need to get through. He still totally has a plan in all this and I trust Him more than anything. He is the reason I've made it this far. He is my everything.

So as I start this week of double chemo y'all better watch out!! This chic is kicking some boo-tay!! Oh ya!!

I always thought when I found out there were no active tumor cells I'd be elated. I am so very excited and so thankful to God, but it's just not like I thought it would be. And I'm kinda frustrated because I don't know why. I know this is all Gods doing because there is no way we could have done this or made it this far without him. I still have complete faith and trust in his plan but I also can't help but think this fight is far from over. I try so hard not to compare my situation to other brain cancer warriors, but these things don't just give up and go away. And this is where I'm struggling. I know God can heal/do anything. But I'm still stuck on the fact that this will probably be my life now and a battle I will more than likely face for the rest of this life. And yet I'm so thankful to have this life!!  Am I making any sense here? It's so confusing for me to even try and explain what I mean. I guess I just thought that if the tumor was gone, things would be normal again.  Things would be  "right". But I'm finding the things I used to think would make me happy really dont. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. But I'm not sure how else to explain it. I'm guessing that this is yet a another lesson God is teaching me through this tumor.
 I've never really been a "materialistic" kind of person. But one of the things I've really been looking forward to is having our own home again. Not for the stuff but to make a home for our boys. I've always said it will be an amazing day when we can move into our own place again. But now, the thoughts of it really don't  fill me with excitement like it did before. I know I've talked about that feeling that I get before. The one that comes out of no where. I think this is the joy that God wants me to focus on. The joy that comes from him. Not the joy from a home and not even the joy that comes from a negative PET scan. The joy of trusting Him and just taking it one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. I've always said I don't care if the tumor ever goes away, as long as I can live with it. I think I mean that more now than I did when all this started. My life is so much more "God centered" now and I love it.

Ya know, I never thought I'd find another doctor who was as amazing as my obstetrician who delivered the boys and Faith. He always prayed with us and showed so much compassion. I will never forget the words he used to tell us our precious Faith had passed away. He told us "it looks like she's gone home...." when he was unable to find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I will never forget him or the compassion he shared with us. God definitely knew we'd need him.

Once again God has provided 2 amazing doctors for us. My oncologist and his PA. Doctors that have cried with us, celebrated with us and that are there for us constantly. We are so blessed and I am more than thankful for them. I truly look forward to seeing them every other week.

Things like this are where I'm focusing my joy. Amazing people to care for us, totally sent by God. The treatments they provide. And the treatments that are now helping others with brain tumors. Praise God for that!!!

Im finding its true what they say.....the little things really are the big things.....I couldn't agree more. Going to my nephews award ceremony, sitting at the table drinking tea with my mom this morning, the excited feeling I get when I know my husband will be home, listening to my Dad sing "soft kitty" to little g while reading a book with a cat in it, the emotions that come over me when my boys come up to give me a hug or a kiss... These things bring true joy. Thank you God for using this tumor to show me this. These are the precious things that truly fill my heart with so much joy.

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Psalm 126:3 NIV)

Humbled....

I'm having a hard time emotionally right now. I'm not quite sure that it's really sunk in....
When we found out about the "new growth" yesterday, I was initially devastated. New growth is not a phrase you want to hear in the cancer world. Not only does it mean that the tumor is growing, it means the meds you are taking are no longer working. Not something you really want to think about.

I was playing Mr. Potato head with little g when my cell phone rang and my husband said "this is it..."
 The call we had been waiting for. I was sitting with my back to him, but I was trying so hard to listen to what he was saying. When I heard him say "so there are no live cells...." I turned to look at him. As I did, the biggest smile beamed from his face. I leaned over and asked little g for a kiss as the tears, once again, ran down my cheeks. Could it really be?
When he finished on the phone I immediately looked to my husband, waiting, very impatiently, for him to fill me in!! The dr told him the PET scan came back negative which means there are no active cells in my brain!!!
 I didn't really understand the whole PET scan thing but I guess when they inject you with the radioactive stuff, there is also glucose mixed in. Active cells will go after the glucose mixture for "food" which makes them "light up" during the scan. From what the dr said, nothing lit up on my scan. Nothing.  I'm still in awe... She did say that there could be dormant cells and that's why they are keeping me on the same treatment plan for now. At some point they might lower my doses but I will more than likely always be on some form of chemo. GBMs are very aggressive and grow very fast. I must say I'm very thankful to have drs that don't just wait around and watch.  I want aggressive treatment. I want these stupid cells to stay dead and gone!!

God is just amazing. I've always loved and trusted him. And I still do. Very much. But I have to admit my relationship with him has changed so much in the last year. I have learned so much about him and have honestly gained a new best friend. I've learned that just because things don't go the way I want or expect them to, doesn't mean it won't be good. Actually in most cases it turns out better. I've learned to let go of things in which I have no control and have started to be less of a worrier and let me tell you, that in itself is huge!! Quite honestly I've learned far to much to list here. All I know is I'm not the same person I was before this tumor.

This journey is far from over and I've still got a lot to learn but I am so incredibly humbled and thankful for every blessing God has poured out to our family. I think I may actually be at the point where I can say I am thankful for this tumor.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)

I can't say enough about all the people who have prayed for and helped our family. You have no idea how much you mean to us. We love you all and hope you will continue to be with us on this journey of faith. There's no telling what God has in store next, so for now, one day and one prayer at a time. 

Recalculating

Being the "planner" I am really wasn't a helpful thing today. We were supposed to have blood work done, see my Dr for MRI results and then head home.....Not exactly how the day went. My dr ended up ordering a PET scan and putting me on anti-seizure meds.

I've been having a metallic taste in my mouth off and on. I just thought maybe it was a side effect from one of the meds. But as it turns out, it can be an indicator of an oncoming seizure. Not at all what I was thinking. They have always asked me about having seizures and I've always been so thankful that I haven't had one. It's just a precautionary, low dose, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

After reviewing my MRI she explained that the spot they were watching at my last visit had not changed and that was great!! I expected to hear nothing but wonderful news for the rest of the appointment. We'd hit the road early and be heading home to our boys soon.
But then came the big old smack in the face...the one that reminded me that I have no control over anything in this journey. The one that told me Gods thoughts are not the same as my thoughts.  The smack in the face that completely blocked out everything else that was being said in the room. Even though she used the words "slight growth", growth was all I heard. Of course I started to cry. I tried to pay attention  as my husband and my dr talked about options for treatment at this point but I just couldn't focus. How could it be growing??? This was not a part of the plan. Were shrinking this tumor, right??

She wanted to do a PET scan as soon as possible to see if the cells are fast growing, "live" cells. She said it would help us determine which way to go in our treatment plan. I was relieved to hear that there are other treatments available but I must admit at the time it really didn't make me feel much better.

Within an hour they had everything set up for the scan and the tech had taken me back to inject the radioactive dye. Kinda weird to watch someone push liquid from a steel container covered in radioactive stickers into your IV. I've learned not to ask questions in situations like these because most times I really don't want to know. I think I do, but quickly realize that I don't! The scan was finished in less than 10 mins. I had to lay there for a bit afterward and durning that time I finally felt my faith coming back. I don't think I actually lost it. I just Think I was overwhelmed by the change in "plans" and it took some time to get back to Gods plan and out of my own. Lots of praying and deep breaths.

Were driving home now and still waiting to hear the results. It may be tomorrow before we get a call. Waiting is always the worst part. But I'm actually kinda glad we have this time to just think and to get our focus back to where it should be. I'm hoping and praying the call will tell us these are not live cells, that instead it's scar tissue or some other simple explanation. I know God is still in control. I'm finding peace and reassurance in that. I know his plan is better than mine could ever be. So as our GPS would say, I'm "recalculating"......your plan Lord, not mine....

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares The Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

Making a run for it...

God showed me this morning that all of this is in fact helping me to grow and most importantly, bringing me closer to him. Sometimes I forget that. I know he uses all things for good and to bring glory to him. But I do forget. Or I get so caught up in what's happening that I don't allow myself to to remember /focus on that.

There aren't many people I have really, deeply talked to about this, but when I was diagnosed and the dr told me I had six months to live all I could think about was I don't want to leave my boys and I don't want to leave My husband. Its a daily struggle for me. I know the bible tells us not to get caught up in earthly things, but my heart always goes straight to them.   I want to dance with my boys on their wedding day. I want to know what it's like to be a grandma and even a great grandma some day. I want to be old and wrinkly. I want to hold my husbands wrinkly hand. I want to be like my grandparents, who tend to bicker, not because they don't get along, but because they can't hear each other and just keep mumbling back and forth. It's so selfish, but I was, and sometimes am still afraid that someone else will have these moments....... and I won't. That's so incredibly selfish. I hate to even write it. But I'm being totally honest here.

I know God loves me. I know he loves me more than I can even think about. But this morning I read my devotion and this is what it said about His love.

"If we were to experience the fullness of Gods love right now, we would be overwhelmed to the point of feeling crushed."

For some reason those words made me take a deep breath..... If God loves me that much, so much that if I experienced it all, I'd feel crushed...why would he make a place in eternity for me where all I would do is think about and miss my husband and boys?

I have tears running down my face as I type this. I can't explain how my heart feels right now. For over a year I have struggled and I mean deeply struggled with this. I still don't want to miss a single one of those moments, but the words I read this morning really changed my heart. 

I know I'm going to die someday. We all will. I get that. But to experience a love so overwhelming.....what am I so hesitant about? I'm not saying I'm ready or want to die today. I'm just saying I'm getting more "ok" with the idea. Huge step for me. Huge. Really huge.

I remember, probably 10 yrs ago, I was working with my Aunt. It was storming horribly outside. Tons of lightening. It was time for her to leave so she grabbed a garbage bag, cut some holes in it and started to head out the door. I asked her if she was going to wait for the storm to stop. She said "Nope. If God takes me today, I'm ready." I remember thinking she was crazy and I may have actually told her she was! But out the door she went, running to her car, with the lightening flashing all around. After she left, I couldn't stop thinking that I wished I could say that I didn't care if I got struck by lightening and died. I didn't really understand how you could say that.

Just a few months later, I was standing with her in water, repeating the Confession of Faith, as she baptized me.

Does all this mean I'm ready to run out in a lightning storm dressed in a trash bag? Not sure about that one. But I do know for sure that God is working in ways that I am totally unaware of. He took something that weighs very heavy on my heart and with just a few words, gave me peace.

I just keep thinking that even when there is rain and lightening all around, I can without a doubt make a run for it. (I don't even need a trash bag!!) because I know who's got my hand and what kind of love is waiting on the other side.

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39

“Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms his child.”

The Ugly......

Today was an "ugly". Just a heads up this is going to be a bit of a vent session for me.

I'm tired. I'm tired physically, I'm tired mentally, I'm tired emotionally.

As I sat on the couch this afternoon, my body aching, my head hurting and feeling like I was going to throw up at any minute I looked over at my husband and without really knowing why, I started to cry.  As he comforted me he asked what was wrong. "I'm over it.." Was all I could say. And it's true..I'm over feeling like crap, I'm over all the meds, I'm over all the tests, I'm over the drs appointments, I'm over waiting for MRI results, I'm over always asking for help, I'm over wondering if ill be there to watch my precious boys grow up or to celebrate more anniversaries with my amazing husband. I'm over this stupid tumor. I know God has a plan in everything. And I do trust him completely. But I'm over it!!!

I often wonder if ill ever feel/be normal again. I want to so badly and I pray that I will. I'm also very thankful just to be alive. But days like today I just want all this tumor garbage to go away.

I hear people complain about a headache or bring tired.  I just think to myself "they really have no clue." And until all this, I didn't either. I'll take my old tired self over this any day. Chemo tired is something you can't explain. You cant understand it unless you've experienced it. The way it makes your body feel...ugh.. And a headache......ya, you get where I'm going with this one.

Please don't think I'm saying I don't care about anyone else or how they feel. I really truly do. I'm just saying that things I used to think were a big deal, I'd gladly take any day now. A changed perspective that I really am thankful for.

I feel like I'm not usually a complainer so it's actually really hard for me to think about posting this. But I said I'd include it all. So here it is. Thanks for listening.

My soul clings to you. Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8

The good, the bad and the ugly.....

I try so hard to say positive. Most days I feel great. But I realized I started writing this blog as a sort of an "out" so why not include the "bad and the ugly" too, right ?? I mean life isn't always great. I try to just write things that are encouraging and uplifting but sometimes I really do feel like crap. Sometimes I'm on the verge of tears. Sometimes I would love nothing more than to just go to bed and spend the entire day there. I don't because I know it wouldn't do me a bit of good. (A nice long nap would be GREAT!!!) but I just pray and plow thru those feelings. I don't like feeling "sick". I know that I am and need to listen to my body but I don't like it. To be honest I hate it. My body is working harder than it ever has before. And it's handling all that I'm putting it thru so well. I'm so thankful for that. I know it's totally a God thing.  But there really are times I feel horrible. Physically and mentally. Today was one of those days. I've turned into "a human barometer" as my Dad would say and weather really effects how my head feels. It's been so yucky out lately and it makes me feel yucky. Someone very special to me messages me every morning. As I messaged back, I found myself telling her how I really felt. Her response brought tears to my eyes (and gave me a nosebleed ha ha!) someone really cared that I didn't feel good. And wanted to hear about it. Huh??? How could that be?? Everyone has problems of their own. Why should they be bothered or care about mine?? But I'm so thankful she does. I want to stay positive. I want to feel great. I want to be filled with joy, trust and hope. And I'm very thankful to God that I usually am. But the human side of me still struggles every so often. So I hope I don't offend anyone when I start to post the "crap" too.  It's all part of the journey so I guess it should be included. I must admit, it kinda feels good. There are so many struggles I face on a daily basis. Most times I keep them between God and me. I feel like no one wants to hear me "complain". Everyone is struggling with something. Besides, They know I have a brain tumor. They know it stinks. They know I'm tired. They know I need help. They know...... Well if I don't tell them do they know?? Do they really know how I feel? Hmmmm. I think I answered my own question. It's like on cartoons when that little light bulb pops up over their head! I had a light bulb moment. Maybe I should be more willing to "share” everything. Maybe some people really do care how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. So from now on, that's what I'm going to do. The good, the bad and the ugly. They all fit together somehow in this crazy adventure so it’s all or nothing, right?

My little dude is napping so I'm off to do the same. I'm going to try waking up on the other side of the bed!

Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter you will restore my life again from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. Psalm 71:20

In His Time....

God has such an amazing way of letting us know he's there. Atleast to me he does. I have been feeling great all day. Positive and ready to go. As I walked into the MRI room I had my scriptures that I always repeat and was ready to close my eyes and pray.  As I sat down on the MRI table and they placed the headphones over my ears the words of the song playing immediately brought tears to my eyes. Here with Me by Mercy Me was on.

 " I can feel your presence here with me. Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty. Caught up in the wonder of your touch. Here in this moment I surrender to your love."

I've  heard this song a million times before but never has it touched me in this way. I knew at that very moment God was with me.  I could feel his presence  and was quite honestly overwhelmed. I know he's always with me. But it's times like this that seem to "confirm" it. As emotional as it can be, I truly love moments like this. I was actually quite thankful to be in the middle of a tube with a shield over my face so no one could see me crying. It was a good cry though. An at peace and sense of relief cry. I wasn't sad or scared. Just overwhelmed by it all. In a good way. I had no idea what the results of the MRI would be but I knew no matter what God was in control and he would take care of it. I love being able to say that and find so much peace in knowing that he will.

When we met with my dr this morning and found out about the new "spot" they are watching I wasn't afraid. A little bummed because I always hope they will come back and tell me I'm completely cancer free. But that's obviously not God's will yet.  It was a great reminder to me that as much as I want to be cancer free, that may not be what is best for my life at this point. Sometimes I get so excited and hopeful for things to come in the future that I look past the blessings of today. Sure God knows what's ahead and I know he's got an amazing plan for my life. But that's for Him to take care of and prepare. My job is to trust Him and take it one day at a time. Sometimes it's hard. Because I would love to be a "normal" Mom and wife again. To be able to drive, to go for a walk with my 2yr old, to be able to have our own home again. To help my husband more and take some of the financial and daily burdens off of him. To give my parents their sanity and their house back!! To give my husbands parents their "un-scheduled" life back instead of always having to help with the boys. But that's why I love times like this. Because it makes me even more thankful for all the ways we've been blessed. We can't do this alone. And honestly, who really needs a house? It would be great to have our own space but we have a place to call home. Yes, it would be nice to drive again. My vision has not improved enough for that yet. But I can still see my boys precious faces, so I'm very thankful for sight. My husband works so hard, and I'm very thankful for his job and the insurance it provides. Our parents are amazing and help in anyway they can. So really, Who could ask for more? Is my tumor gone? Nope. But it's stable. And you know what, It really doesn't matter to me if it ever goes away. I pray it does. But most of all, I pray that I will wake up each morning and see all the faces that I love. To see my husband laying next to me and to be able to kiss his cheek. To hear my boys laughing through the walls as they wake up. (The best alarm clock ever!!) To feel our dogs cold, wet nose shoved in my face as she checks to make sure I'm awake and that I hear that "her" boys are ready to start the day. Those are the daily blessings I need to focus on. The others will come in time. His time.

Psalm 71:14 As for me I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more.