God showed me this morning that all
of this is in fact helping me to grow and most importantly, bringing me closer
to him. Sometimes I forget that. I know he uses all things for good and to
bring glory to him. But I do forget. Or I get so caught up in what's happening
that I don't allow myself to to remember /focus on that.
There aren't many people I have
really, deeply talked to about this, but when I was diagnosed and the dr told me
I had six months to live all I could think about was I don't want to leave my
boys and I don't want to leave My husband. Its a daily struggle for me. I know
the bible tells us not to get caught up in earthly things, but my heart always
goes straight to them. I want to dance with my boys on their wedding
day. I want to know what it's like to be a grandma and even a great grandma
some day. I want to be old and wrinkly. I want to hold my husbands wrinkly
hand. I want to be like my grandparents, who tend to bicker, not because they
don't get along, but because they can't hear each other and just keep mumbling
back and forth. It's so selfish, but I was, and sometimes am still afraid that
someone else will have these moments....... and I won't. That's so incredibly
selfish. I hate to even write it. But I'm being totally honest here.
I know God loves me. I know he loves
me more than I can even think about. But this morning I read my devotion and
this is what it said about His love.
"If we were to experience the
fullness of Gods love right now, we would be overwhelmed to the point of feeling
crushed."
For some reason those words made me
take a deep breath..... If God loves me that much, so much that if I
experienced it all, I'd feel crushed...why would he make a place in eternity
for me where all I would do is think about and miss my husband and boys?
I have tears running down my face as
I type this. I can't explain how my heart feels right now. For over a year I
have struggled and I mean deeply struggled with this. I still don't want to
miss a single one of those moments, but the words I read this morning really
changed my heart.
I know I'm going to die someday. We all will. I get that. But
to experience a love so overwhelming.....what am I so hesitant about? I'm not
saying I'm ready or want to die today. I'm just saying I'm getting more
"ok" with the idea. Huge step for me. Huge. Really huge.
I remember, probably 10 yrs ago, I
was working with my Aunt. It was storming horribly outside. Tons of lightening.
It was time for her to leave so she grabbed a garbage bag, cut some holes in it
and started to head out the door. I asked her if she was going to wait for the
storm to stop. She said "Nope. If God takes me today, I'm ready." I
remember thinking she was crazy and I may have actually told her she was! But
out the door she went, running to her car, with the lightening flashing all
around. After she left, I couldn't stop thinking that I wished I could say that
I didn't care if I got struck by lightening and died. I didn't really
understand how you could say that.
Just a few months later, I was
standing with her in water, repeating the Confession of Faith, as she baptized
me.
Does all this mean I'm ready to run
out in a lightning storm dressed in a trash bag? Not sure about that one. But I
do know for sure that God is working in ways that I am totally unaware of. He
took something that weighs very heavy on my heart and with just a few words,
gave me peace.
I just keep thinking that even when
there is rain and lightening all around, I can without a doubt make a run for
it. (I don't even need a trash bag!!) because I know who's got my hand and
what kind of love is waiting on the other side.
He got
up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind
died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39
“Sometimes
God calms the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms his child.”
