The good, the bad and the ugly.....

I try so hard to say positive. Most days I feel great. But I realized I started writing this blog as a sort of an "out" so why not include the "bad and the ugly" too, right ?? I mean life isn't always great. I try to just write things that are encouraging and uplifting but sometimes I really do feel like crap. Sometimes I'm on the verge of tears. Sometimes I would love nothing more than to just go to bed and spend the entire day there. I don't because I know it wouldn't do me a bit of good. (A nice long nap would be GREAT!!!) but I just pray and plow thru those feelings. I don't like feeling "sick". I know that I am and need to listen to my body but I don't like it. To be honest I hate it. My body is working harder than it ever has before. And it's handling all that I'm putting it thru so well. I'm so thankful for that. I know it's totally a God thing.  But there really are times I feel horrible. Physically and mentally. Today was one of those days. I've turned into "a human barometer" as my Dad would say and weather really effects how my head feels. It's been so yucky out lately and it makes me feel yucky. Someone very special to me messages me every morning. As I messaged back, I found myself telling her how I really felt. Her response brought tears to my eyes (and gave me a nosebleed ha ha!) someone really cared that I didn't feel good. And wanted to hear about it. Huh??? How could that be?? Everyone has problems of their own. Why should they be bothered or care about mine?? But I'm so thankful she does. I want to stay positive. I want to feel great. I want to be filled with joy, trust and hope. And I'm very thankful to God that I usually am. But the human side of me still struggles every so often. So I hope I don't offend anyone when I start to post the "crap" too.  It's all part of the journey so I guess it should be included. I must admit, it kinda feels good. There are so many struggles I face on a daily basis. Most times I keep them between God and me. I feel like no one wants to hear me "complain". Everyone is struggling with something. Besides, They know I have a brain tumor. They know it stinks. They know I'm tired. They know I need help. They know...... Well if I don't tell them do they know?? Do they really know how I feel? Hmmmm. I think I answered my own question. It's like on cartoons when that little light bulb pops up over their head! I had a light bulb moment. Maybe I should be more willing to "share” everything. Maybe some people really do care how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. So from now on, that's what I'm going to do. The good, the bad and the ugly. They all fit together somehow in this crazy adventure so it’s all or nothing, right?

My little dude is napping so I'm off to do the same. I'm going to try waking up on the other side of the bed!

Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter you will restore my life again from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. Psalm 71:20

In His Time....

God has such an amazing way of letting us know he's there. Atleast to me he does. I have been feeling great all day. Positive and ready to go. As I walked into the MRI room I had my scriptures that I always repeat and was ready to close my eyes and pray.  As I sat down on the MRI table and they placed the headphones over my ears the words of the song playing immediately brought tears to my eyes. Here with Me by Mercy Me was on.

 " I can feel your presence here with me. Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty. Caught up in the wonder of your touch. Here in this moment I surrender to your love."

I've  heard this song a million times before but never has it touched me in this way. I knew at that very moment God was with me.  I could feel his presence  and was quite honestly overwhelmed. I know he's always with me. But it's times like this that seem to "confirm" it. As emotional as it can be, I truly love moments like this. I was actually quite thankful to be in the middle of a tube with a shield over my face so no one could see me crying. It was a good cry though. An at peace and sense of relief cry. I wasn't sad or scared. Just overwhelmed by it all. In a good way. I had no idea what the results of the MRI would be but I knew no matter what God was in control and he would take care of it. I love being able to say that and find so much peace in knowing that he will.

When we met with my dr this morning and found out about the new "spot" they are watching I wasn't afraid. A little bummed because I always hope they will come back and tell me I'm completely cancer free. But that's obviously not God's will yet.  It was a great reminder to me that as much as I want to be cancer free, that may not be what is best for my life at this point. Sometimes I get so excited and hopeful for things to come in the future that I look past the blessings of today. Sure God knows what's ahead and I know he's got an amazing plan for my life. But that's for Him to take care of and prepare. My job is to trust Him and take it one day at a time. Sometimes it's hard. Because I would love to be a "normal" Mom and wife again. To be able to drive, to go for a walk with my 2yr old, to be able to have our own home again. To help my husband more and take some of the financial and daily burdens off of him. To give my parents their sanity and their house back!! To give my husbands parents their "un-scheduled" life back instead of always having to help with the boys. But that's why I love times like this. Because it makes me even more thankful for all the ways we've been blessed. We can't do this alone. And honestly, who really needs a house? It would be great to have our own space but we have a place to call home. Yes, it would be nice to drive again. My vision has not improved enough for that yet. But I can still see my boys precious faces, so I'm very thankful for sight. My husband works so hard, and I'm very thankful for his job and the insurance it provides. Our parents are amazing and help in anyway they can. So really, Who could ask for more? Is my tumor gone? Nope. But it's stable. And you know what, It really doesn't matter to me if it ever goes away. I pray it does. But most of all, I pray that I will wake up each morning and see all the faces that I love. To see my husband laying next to me and to be able to kiss his cheek. To hear my boys laughing through the walls as they wake up. (The best alarm clock ever!!) To feel our dogs cold, wet nose shoved in my face as she checks to make sure I'm awake and that I hear that "her" boys are ready to start the day. Those are the daily blessings I need to focus on. The others will come in time. His time.

Psalm 71:14 As for me I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more.

No time for negative~

It's that time again. Spending the weekend packing and organizing to head to Duke on Monday. I'm usually a wreck before we go. Emotional, nervous, and just on edge.  For one, I hate leaving my boys. I know they love their time with Grammy and Pa but it's hard to leave them. 

My nerves always start to get the best of me before we go too. A fellow brain cancer warrior told me it's called "PMS".  Pre MRI syndrome!!! It's just so difficult not knowing what they are going to see.

A few months ago I read something and it has just stuck in my mind. I just keep repeating it as the negative thoughts pop up. "Stop thinking of what could go wrong and start thinking of what could go right." Such a hard concept for our brains, but it makes so much sense. So that's what I've been trying to do. When I worry about something, I immediately think of the opposite outcome (the positive one) and I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes. My whole frame of mind changes. That being said, I'm finding myself a bit relaxed about our trip this time. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but it sure feels pretty good not to be so worried. I know that God has got this.  I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but as long as He's leading the way, I know we will make it though.

I often think of the day when my husband and I can hear and say the words  "cancer free". Don't get me wrong, I'm more than thankful to be where we are. We've come a long way in a year. But something about saying those words...... Maybe it's silly but it sure makes me smile to think about it.

I remember the look in my husbands eyes the day we found out about the tumor. I'd love to replace that with the look in his eyes the day we found out its gone! And I believe I will. And then to be able to tell Big G..... And our families! See! Here I go!! I've got to admit, it is so much more fun to think about what could go right.  I hate worrying. I've always been a huge worry wart so quite honestly I think this is a huge step for me. God hasn't given me any reason to doubt or not trust Him. He's taken care of us in ways that are better than what we've asked. So I'm giving it to Him. I know He will take care of it. All of it. In ways that I can't even begin to imagine. And I just can't even tell you how that makes me feel. God is amazing.  And I truly can't thank him enough. So, for now, were ready for a great trip with a great report! God's got this and I'm loving ever minute of it!!

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us. To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21