Take my hand.....

I’ve started 3 other “writings” but haven’t finished them yet…then I read my devotion this morning…. Yup, you guessed it, this is number four! But I’m always amazed at the way God can put something in front of us, when we least expect it, and exactly when we need it.

I must admit I’ve really been struggling lately with not only the physical changes I’m going through, but the emotional ones as well. Physically, the medications are definitely making themselves known.  But hey, they’re killing off the tumor, so what’s gaining some weight, losing some hair, and fatigue got on that?? Emotionally, I usually do pretty well as long as I stay focused on the things I can still do. Sometimes it gets tough. I think about how I used to dread going grocery shopping or having to run around town searching for something specific. Now I’d love to strap Little G in his car seat and head off to the store without having to ask someone to drive us or come along. I’m not even “allowed” to go for a walk by myself.  Anywhere I want to go, or anything I need to do, someone has to go with me. Don’t get me wrong, we’re so thankful for all the help that we receive, but it’s a totally new way of life.  I feel like I was a pretty independent person before all this started. Almost as if my husband and I were “self-sufficient” in our own little world. We took our boys everywhere with us and handled everything that needed to be done between the two of us.  Now, asking for help has become a regular part of our lives. Needing someone to watch Little G for my appointments, picking up Big G from school, driving me here or there. Just not what we are accustomed to.  Of course, not a single part of this journey has been anything even close to what I’m accustom to. But I am starting to realize that’s ok, maybe even a good thing. 

So many times, I know I’ve gotten so frustrated while having to wait on someone or repeat something again and again because they forgot what I said. Well, isn’t it funny, that person I would get frustrated with is now me. I misplace things constantly, (although they are always right where I intentionally left them) I forget what people say or ask me to do, and have a hard time remembering what I was doing if I’m interrupted.  Some days, I shrug it off pretty easy, but others, I feel like I’m going to lose it because I can’t carry out what should be a simple task.  I know it must be annoying for those around me, and I really do my best to be organized, but it’s been a great lesson for me personally, to just slow down and have more patience.

These frustrations are actually to thank for the name of this blog. When I forget something or have to stop and really think to remember, Big G will pat my hand or my back and reassuringly say” It’s because of your tumor Mom,” and give me a little grin. And he’s right. It’s not anyone’s fault, including my own. So what’s there to be so upset about?  Weather I like it or not, this tumor is a part of my life now. I’m slowly realizing, that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter how long it takes me to find or remember something. I'm still here, I'm alive, and I will praise God for that!

What I read this morning really helped put things in perspective. “Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of my hand.” No matter what may be "taken" along this journey, I will hold tight to the hand of the one who gave it to me in the first place. 

God has so got this!!

I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

Think about it.....

As much as I hate to skip around, I've been praying that God will lead me as to what I should write about.  When I started today, this was on my heart and the words just started flowing so I guess I'll go with it. 

This is totally a "Mom" moment. I was sitting on the couch with the boys this morning and we were praying before school. When we finished, they were giggling and being silly. Tickling each other and Big G was teaching Little G new words. He loves when his little brother "repeats" him. When out of nowhere, Big G asks, " Mom, how big is your tumor now?"  I was a little unprepared for that question, but reassured him that it was still getting smaller and that when he got home, Daddy would show him my last MRI so he could see it. (He has always enjoyed my MRIs. He thinks its cool to see a brain!)  He seemed ok with that and went back to playing with his brother. As I thought more about it, I realized that most of his questions come out o the blue. Not so much when we "talk" about it, just at random times.  Which of course got me thinking even more... While I know he thinks about the tumor, I wonder how much he thinks about it.  Since the beginning, We've always been very open about things. Included him in Doctor’s visits, he's seen my scans, He knows what a 7 yr old should know and we always keep it positive and reiterate how God is in control and taking care of it all. He and I have had several "talks" about it (and will continue to) and he always seems "ok" with everything. Most times he's not even really interested in what were talking about. He'd rather go play! But for some reason, today's question just hit home for me. I know how often tumor things pop into my head, so I wonder really, honestly, how often they pop into his. 

Along with moving, a new school, leaving his friends.....the more I thought, the more the  tears started to flow.  My sweet guy has been thru so much this past year.  And he's been so strong. Never once complained. Sure he says how much he misses his friends, but otherwise just continues to go with the flow.  

So, how often does he really think about it? There are days where its all I think about and there are times when I kinda forget about it for a little while. Is it like that for him too? On the days where he's grumpy, is he thinking about it then? Maybe upset with all the changes we've had to make? During the times when he just wants to snuggle with his Mama, is he sad or scared? If only I could get into his sweet little head. It was a great reminder for me that he needs to have all the same things I do...that we all do.... Happy days, grumpy days, days that require extra patience, and days to just process and let it all out.  All things I try to keep in mind, but was very thankful to have the reminder of this morning.

Later in the evening, at bed time, Big G came out of his room several times saying he was afraid. When I asked him what he was afraid of he'd say things like tornadoes or hurricanes. He was begging to sleep in our bed but we sent him back to bed each time he came out. Next thing I know he's crying, and talking thru the walls at me "Mom, I know you can hear me. I just want to sleep with you and Daddy.....I' m scared...." Well, lets just say he won. 

Was he really afraid of tornadoes and hurricanes, I don't know.... But this isn't something he usually does. So for the night, I enjoyed the snuggles and the knees shoved in my back, knowing that if it made my guy feel a little better, I'd do it again tomorrow night.