From the top...

My first blog...my first entry...pretty exciting! Maybe I'm kind of a dork, but I've really been looking forward to this. So much to write about, not really sure where to start. So, for now I guess I'll just "take it from the top."

In November of 2012, I started having pressure in my head and behind my eyes. I had sinus infections all the time so I went to visit my primary doctor who prescribed the typical antibiotics and meds. At this visit, she suggested I see an ENT because of how often I had been having sinus infections. I called to schedule an appointment when I got home and was happy that they had an opening for the following week. We met with the doctor and he ordered a CT Scan to take a look at what was going on. Not long after completing the scan I received a call from my doctors office that they wanted me to go for an MRI the following day because they saw a shadow on the CT Scan. I assumed they had seen a shadow in my sinus'. At this point, my symptoms had gotten pretty bad. I was on the couch most of the day with a warming pack on my head, or in the shower trying to relieve the pressure I was having in my head. Sleep was almost impossible. If I did actually fall asleep, I would almost immediately wake up in a "jump" like I was falling. The night before the MRI was the worst. I didn't/couldn't sleep and spent most of the night on the shower floor trying to get relief. The next morning we went in for the MRI and not an hour later we got a call from my ENT's office. They asked if we could come in that day to discuss the MRI findings. We agreed and scheduled an appointment for a few hours later. Not 10 minutes after I hung up the phone, my husbands phone rang. It was the doctors office asking him to come along to the appointment. They told him they knew I'd be upset and wanted to make sure there was someone there with me. They wouldn't tell him anything other than that. I remember laying in bed and completely losing it. I kept thinking this has got to be bad.  All I could do was cry. I just kept calling out "Please God, No" over and over. We made arrangements with family to keep the boys for us. Once they were taken care of we headed off to the doctors. We really didn't have to wait long, but it seemed like we waited forever. While my mind was racing and I was scared to death, I remember this peace that came over me as I sat there and prayed. Can't really explain it, just an "ok" feeling. (So totally God!!) When we finally got back into the room, it was just minutes before my doctor came in. I could tell he was having as hard of a time as we were. I knew it wasn't good. I honestly don't even remember the words he used to tell us they found the tumor. I just remember the numb feeling that came over my entire body and the uncontrollable tears that started to flow. He took us back to a small room to show us what they had found on the MRI scan.  I honestly had no idea what I was looking at, but knew that "thing" shouldn't be there. My doctor had already contacted a neuro-surgeon and had an appointment set up for us the next morning. The rest of the night was a complete blur. We sat in the parking lot and I made calls to our parents to let them know what was happening. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. We went home that night and I don't think either one of us slept. The morning couldn't come fast enough. I still was feeling horrible.

The next morning we made it to the neuro-surgeon's office. Again, I hardly remember anything he said. What I do remember, is him telling us I needed to be admitted to the ICU as soon as possible because the pressure I was feeling was being caused by hydrocephalus. The tumor was blocking the opening where my cerebral-spinal fluid drains and was causing pressure on my brain. He said I needed surgery to relieve the pressure. I knew it was serious, but when I told him I hadn't slept in 3 days and if I did fall asleep, I'd wake up feeling like I was falling. He explained that the hydrocephalus was so severe that if I had really fallen into a deep sleep, I probably wouldn't have woken up. (I didn't think much about it then, but now I truly believe that God woke me up every time I would fall asleep. Like He was telling me it wasn't my time yet.) Once again, the tears started to flow. As I watched my little guy, who had just turned one 3 days before, play in his stroller, all I could think was, how am I ever going to be able to say good-bye to him and his brother?  And my Husband, as I looked into his tear filled eyes, how could I say good-bye to him. This is not something I ever thought I'd have to do. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to think about it. My guys are everything to me and I didn't want to leave them. They sent us into a small room to wait while they made arrangements for me to be admitted to the hospital. We started to make calls to our parents to let them know what was happening and that I was scheduled for surgery the next morning.  My surgeon had hoped to do a biopsy as well as a specific procedure the next day, but explained he wasn't able to get the equipment he needed, so for now they would just put in the shunt to relieve the pressure since that was the most serious issue. My Mom flew in that evening and my husband's parents drove in that night. In the mean time, I was admitted to the ICU and was pretty much the only conscious patient on the floor. My nurse was amazing and kept me company all night as they wouldn't let anyone stay with me. Our parents came in to visit that night as they arrived, which was great to help take my mind off things. I made it through the night and early the next morning they started to prep me for surgery. My husband and my Mom were able to come with me on the elevator ride, but we had to say good-bye there. I held it together quite well, until they wheeled me into the operating room. Once again, the reality of it all started to sink in. I hadn't seen my boys in almost 24 hours, and all I really wanted was to go home and realize this had all been a dream. But, instead I was laying there on the operating table, crying, trying not to to breakdown into a full blown sob, as they placed the mask over my face and told me to take slow deep breaths...