The Ugly......

Today was an "ugly". Just a heads up this is going to be a bit of a vent session for me.

I'm tired. I'm tired physically, I'm tired mentally, I'm tired emotionally.

As I sat on the couch this afternoon, my body aching, my head hurting and feeling like I was going to throw up at any minute I looked over at my husband and without really knowing why, I started to cry.  As he comforted me he asked what was wrong. "I'm over it.." Was all I could say. And it's true..I'm over feeling like crap, I'm over all the meds, I'm over all the tests, I'm over the drs appointments, I'm over waiting for MRI results, I'm over always asking for help, I'm over wondering if ill be there to watch my precious boys grow up or to celebrate more anniversaries with my amazing husband. I'm over this stupid tumor. I know God has a plan in everything. And I do trust him completely. But I'm over it!!!

I often wonder if ill ever feel/be normal again. I want to so badly and I pray that I will. I'm also very thankful just to be alive. But days like today I just want all this tumor garbage to go away.

I hear people complain about a headache or bring tired.  I just think to myself "they really have no clue." And until all this, I didn't either. I'll take my old tired self over this any day. Chemo tired is something you can't explain. You cant understand it unless you've experienced it. The way it makes your body feel...ugh.. And a headache......ya, you get where I'm going with this one.

Please don't think I'm saying I don't care about anyone else or how they feel. I really truly do. I'm just saying that things I used to think were a big deal, I'd gladly take any day now. A changed perspective that I really am thankful for.

I feel like I'm not usually a complainer so it's actually really hard for me to think about posting this. But I said I'd include it all. So here it is. Thanks for listening.

My soul clings to you. Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8