Take my hand.....

I’ve started 3 other “writings” but haven’t finished them yet…then I read my devotion this morning…. Yup, you guessed it, this is number four! But I’m always amazed at the way God can put something in front of us, when we least expect it, and exactly when we need it.

I must admit I’ve really been struggling lately with not only the physical changes I’m going through, but the emotional ones as well. Physically, the medications are definitely making themselves known.  But hey, they’re killing off the tumor, so what’s gaining some weight, losing some hair, and fatigue got on that?? Emotionally, I usually do pretty well as long as I stay focused on the things I can still do. Sometimes it gets tough. I think about how I used to dread going grocery shopping or having to run around town searching for something specific. Now I’d love to strap Little G in his car seat and head off to the store without having to ask someone to drive us or come along. I’m not even “allowed” to go for a walk by myself.  Anywhere I want to go, or anything I need to do, someone has to go with me. Don’t get me wrong, we’re so thankful for all the help that we receive, but it’s a totally new way of life.  I feel like I was a pretty independent person before all this started. Almost as if my husband and I were “self-sufficient” in our own little world. We took our boys everywhere with us and handled everything that needed to be done between the two of us.  Now, asking for help has become a regular part of our lives. Needing someone to watch Little G for my appointments, picking up Big G from school, driving me here or there. Just not what we are accustomed to.  Of course, not a single part of this journey has been anything even close to what I’m accustom to. But I am starting to realize that’s ok, maybe even a good thing. 

So many times, I know I’ve gotten so frustrated while having to wait on someone or repeat something again and again because they forgot what I said. Well, isn’t it funny, that person I would get frustrated with is now me. I misplace things constantly, (although they are always right where I intentionally left them) I forget what people say or ask me to do, and have a hard time remembering what I was doing if I’m interrupted.  Some days, I shrug it off pretty easy, but others, I feel like I’m going to lose it because I can’t carry out what should be a simple task.  I know it must be annoying for those around me, and I really do my best to be organized, but it’s been a great lesson for me personally, to just slow down and have more patience.

These frustrations are actually to thank for the name of this blog. When I forget something or have to stop and really think to remember, Big G will pat my hand or my back and reassuringly say” It’s because of your tumor Mom,” and give me a little grin. And he’s right. It’s not anyone’s fault, including my own. So what’s there to be so upset about?  Weather I like it or not, this tumor is a part of my life now. I’m slowly realizing, that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter how long it takes me to find or remember something. I'm still here, I'm alive, and I will praise God for that!

What I read this morning really helped put things in perspective. “Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of my hand.” No matter what may be "taken" along this journey, I will hold tight to the hand of the one who gave it to me in the first place. 

God has so got this!!

I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8