I always thought when I found out there were no active tumor cells I'd be elated. I am so very excited and so thankful to God, but it's just not like I thought it would be. And I'm kinda frustrated because I don't know why. I know this is all Gods doing because there is no way we could have done this or made it this far without him. I still have complete faith and trust in his plan but I also can't help but think this fight is far from over. I try so hard not to compare my situation to other brain cancer warriors, but these things don't just give up and go away. And this is where I'm struggling. I know God can heal/do anything. But I'm still stuck on the fact that this will probably be my life now and a battle I will more than likely face for the rest of this life. And yet I'm so thankful to have this life!!  Am I making any sense here? It's so confusing for me to even try and explain what I mean. I guess I just thought that if the tumor was gone, things would be normal again.  Things would be  "right". But I'm finding the things I used to think would make me happy really dont. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. But I'm not sure how else to explain it. I'm guessing that this is yet a another lesson God is teaching me through this tumor.
 I've never really been a "materialistic" kind of person. But one of the things I've really been looking forward to is having our own home again. Not for the stuff but to make a home for our boys. I've always said it will be an amazing day when we can move into our own place again. But now, the thoughts of it really don't  fill me with excitement like it did before. I know I've talked about that feeling that I get before. The one that comes out of no where. I think this is the joy that God wants me to focus on. The joy that comes from him. Not the joy from a home and not even the joy that comes from a negative PET scan. The joy of trusting Him and just taking it one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. I've always said I don't care if the tumor ever goes away, as long as I can live with it. I think I mean that more now than I did when all this started. My life is so much more "God centered" now and I love it.

Ya know, I never thought I'd find another doctor who was as amazing as my obstetrician who delivered the boys and Faith. He always prayed with us and showed so much compassion. I will never forget the words he used to tell us our precious Faith had passed away. He told us "it looks like she's gone home...." when he was unable to find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I will never forget him or the compassion he shared with us. God definitely knew we'd need him.

Once again God has provided 2 amazing doctors for us. My oncologist and his PA. Doctors that have cried with us, celebrated with us and that are there for us constantly. We are so blessed and I am more than thankful for them. I truly look forward to seeing them every other week.

Things like this are where I'm focusing my joy. Amazing people to care for us, totally sent by God. The treatments they provide. And the treatments that are now helping others with brain tumors. Praise God for that!!!

Im finding its true what they say.....the little things really are the big things.....I couldn't agree more. Going to my nephews award ceremony, sitting at the table drinking tea with my mom this morning, the excited feeling I get when I know my husband will be home, listening to my Dad sing "soft kitty" to little g while reading a book with a cat in it, the emotions that come over me when my boys come up to give me a hug or a kiss... These things bring true joy. Thank you God for using this tumor to show me this. These are the precious things that truly fill my heart with so much joy.

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Psalm 126:3 NIV)