Recalculating

Being the "planner" I am really wasn't a helpful thing today. We were supposed to have blood work done, see my Dr for MRI results and then head home.....Not exactly how the day went. My dr ended up ordering a PET scan and putting me on anti-seizure meds.

I've been having a metallic taste in my mouth off and on. I just thought maybe it was a side effect from one of the meds. But as it turns out, it can be an indicator of an oncoming seizure. Not at all what I was thinking. They have always asked me about having seizures and I've always been so thankful that I haven't had one. It's just a precautionary, low dose, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

After reviewing my MRI she explained that the spot they were watching at my last visit had not changed and that was great!! I expected to hear nothing but wonderful news for the rest of the appointment. We'd hit the road early and be heading home to our boys soon.
But then came the big old smack in the face...the one that reminded me that I have no control over anything in this journey. The one that told me Gods thoughts are not the same as my thoughts.  The smack in the face that completely blocked out everything else that was being said in the room. Even though she used the words "slight growth", growth was all I heard. Of course I started to cry. I tried to pay attention  as my husband and my dr talked about options for treatment at this point but I just couldn't focus. How could it be growing??? This was not a part of the plan. Were shrinking this tumor, right??

She wanted to do a PET scan as soon as possible to see if the cells are fast growing, "live" cells. She said it would help us determine which way to go in our treatment plan. I was relieved to hear that there are other treatments available but I must admit at the time it really didn't make me feel much better.

Within an hour they had everything set up for the scan and the tech had taken me back to inject the radioactive dye. Kinda weird to watch someone push liquid from a steel container covered in radioactive stickers into your IV. I've learned not to ask questions in situations like these because most times I really don't want to know. I think I do, but quickly realize that I don't! The scan was finished in less than 10 mins. I had to lay there for a bit afterward and durning that time I finally felt my faith coming back. I don't think I actually lost it. I just Think I was overwhelmed by the change in "plans" and it took some time to get back to Gods plan and out of my own. Lots of praying and deep breaths.

Were driving home now and still waiting to hear the results. It may be tomorrow before we get a call. Waiting is always the worst part. But I'm actually kinda glad we have this time to just think and to get our focus back to where it should be. I'm hoping and praying the call will tell us these are not live cells, that instead it's scar tissue or some other simple explanation. I know God is still in control. I'm finding peace and reassurance in that. I know his plan is better than mine could ever be. So as our GPS would say, I'm "recalculating"......your plan Lord, not mine....

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares The Lord.
Isaiah 55:8