A little bit of Faith......

November 30, 2009. The day we held an angel in our arms. The day we kissed her precious face. The day we had to say goodbye to one of the sweetest, tiniest blessings God had given us. The day I knew my prayers had been answered. Our precious little girl was healed in the arms of Jesus.

Since the day we found out about her "complications" I prayed and begged that God would heal her. Even though it wasn't in the way that I had hoped, I knew God had done exactly what I had asked. He took away her pain.

My first ultrasound showed that there was a hygroma on the back of her head and neck. From then on, my pregnancy was filled with tests and appointments with specialists.  I was told that our baby wouldn't survive and that it wasn't too late if we wanted to end the pregnancy. My husband and I refused to even think about that route. God was the only one who would decide what would happen to our baby.

We got to enjoy 24 weeks of hiccups and kicks, and I rubbed on my belly as much as I could. The Wednesday before thanksgiving I had a check up with my primary OB. He did the normal ultrasound, but I could tell by his face something was different.  I will never forget when he looked in my eyes and said, "it looks like she's gone home." I am so thankful that He used those words to tell us our baby girl was no longer suffering. She had indeed gone home to her creator and I pictured her completely healed and cradled in Jesus arms. My doctor gave us a few minutes alone to collect our thoughts and when he came back we started to talk about making a plan. We decided to wait and give my body a chance to go into labor on its own. The next day was Thanksgiving and the last place I wanted to be was in the hospital.

In The following days I felt like I was living life in a blur. Here I was 24 weeks pregnant, I still looked pregnant, and I still felt pregnant. I WAS pregnant.  But now we had the task of telling everyone that our baby girl had gone to heaven.

We made it thru Thanksgiving weekend but I decided I couldn't wait anymore. It was just too difficult to constantly think of what was ahead.  So my doctor agreed to induce labor that following Monday. We were admitted early that morning and things were rolling along just as they should. That evening, our 1lb 2.5oz, Faith Raelynn was born. I think I cried the entire time, but once I was able to hold her an incredible sense of peace surrounded me. My husband was amazing and was right there by my side for everything. He made sure I was taken care of and that I had everything I needed. We were also very blessed to be surrounded by my parents, our aunt and a very dear friend for support. We had a few visitors that evening and Faith stayed in her bassinet beside my bed when we weren’t holding her. When things calmed down, we had taken some pictures and it was just the three of us, I decided it was time. So my husband and I each took our turn saying goodbye. We had a special blanket that we sent along with her and we kept her tiny little hat and blanket that were made especially for her by someone who supported us through the entire journey. I really don't remember much else from that night. I don't know if we slept. But I remember that next morning was so hard. As they wheeled me down to the car to go home I choked back tears. I remember leaving the hospital with Big G and how excited I felt. I had my sweet boy in my arms and we were headed home. Today I was headed home.....but nothing was in my arms.  There was no diaper bag. No car seat. No "going home" outfit. I tried to just close my eyes but as soon as I saw my husband the tears were flowing again. Tears seemed to be a common thing in the following days. Everything your body does after having a baby, my body still did. But the worst part was the way my arms would literally hurt because I wanted to hold her again so badly... The only peace I was able to find was in knowing that my baby was no longer suffering and that some day I would be able to hold her again. But for now, four years later, I still find comfort in knowing that she is being held in the arms of Jesus.

 Tonight we will celebrate her 4^th Birthday with brownies and signing. A tradition we've had since her first birthday. Happy Birthday our precious Faith Raelynn. We still love you more than you could ever know.


"They say that time in heaven is compared to the blink of an eye for us here on earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. So happy and caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there...."