There are times when I wonder if I ask God for too much. Do I pray too much? I know He always wants us to come to Him, but sometimes I do feel guilty.
When all this started I really only asked for one thing. Life. I just wanted to live. I didn't care how or what circumstances I would go through, just simply life. But lately I've found myself asking Him for more. Improved vision, higher counts, relief from medication side effects, keeping our family germ free....even the ability to drive again and have a home of our own. Not quite sure why, but Sometimes I feel bad praying for those things. On the other hand I want Him in control of it all. The only way I know how to do that is to pray about it and give it to Him.
He has already provided so much for our family...when we didn't even ask. Things we didn't even know to pray for, He literally put it in front of our faces. (I love when He does that..He just shows us exactly what we need to do and the peace that comes along with it is indescribable. You just know it's Him) I have no doubt He will provide, according to His will, at the perfect time. No doubt what so ever. But is He ok with prayers for the "little stuff"?
I never would have thought I'd be in my 30's and my family living with my parents. It's been hard adjusting to changes. But what I have a really hard time with is not comparing myself to other warriors stories. Even my Dr. Said today that you don't see any positive cases of pineal tumors like mine. "Google it" she says. Um....no thanks. Been there. Done that. Not doing it again.
I don't want my story to be like all the others. And I don't believe it will. I want my story to be the one that gives others hope. That gives them strength and encourages them to keep their Faith and trust in God. I want them to "Google it" and have my story be the first one they read. Not the ones of doom and gloom like I read while trying to educate myself.
My Dr still says I'm doing "remarkably well". I'll take it...for now. But I still believe God is going to knock their socks off with my story!
She also told us that they don't expect much improvement beyond this point and since they are switching up my chemo meds we should expect to see new growth at our next visit. Hmmm. Not so sure I agree. I love my doctors and I'm so thankful for all that they have done and continue to do. But I trust God so much more. I trust the one who I know can do "immeasurably more" than I could ever ask or imagine. I want to focus on Him. Not all the horribly sad stories of amazingly strong people who have lost the battle. I know I'm really no different than they are. And I still get so frightened at times because I know the path this could take. But let me tell you right now.... I will NEVER lose faith or hope in God and what He can do. No study, research project, doctors diagnosis or MRI is bigger than He is. Hes already proved that to us several times.
At our last Duke visit I was devastated. Tears pouring down my face and a heart full of fear because my doctor said the words "new growth". The sorrow did last for the night, But then the joy came in the morning. The call that revealed "no active cancer cells." That to me was just another way of God showing us to simply trust Him. He's got this! The MRI may have showed new growth but God had other plans!
Yes I love and trust my doctors and yes I need them. But I believe that God is working through them and using them to provide the treatment I need. The treatment I need for His purpose and plan for my life.
I feel like I've totally gone off topic! But I guess what I'm wondering is, can you ask God for too much?? Sometimes I do wonder about His reaction or the look on His face when I pray about certain things. I picture Him standing with His face buried in His hands, head shaking, and saying "Let go of it girl! (Please know I mean absolutely no disrespect with that comment. I just believe God has a sense of humor like most of us do!)
Anyway. I'd love to hear any comments or insight on this...
Can you ask for or pray too much??
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
God's Promises
Did something tonight that I haven't been able to do in quite awhile. I gave little g a bath. On my own. This may sound crazy, but it was a great feeling. A little bit of "normal" back in my life. It made me think of the days before all this. When our life was "normal."
So often I long for that life back. It even makes me sad to think that our lives will never be that way again. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our daily life that we very easily take little things for granted. Like being able to give our kids a bath. Who ever would have thought that would bring me so much joy.
My husband and I have been discussing plans on how to get both boys to and from school next year. Something that should be so easy turns into who can we ask to help us. I'm determined that I WILL drive again. But we can't use that as our plan until it happens. When my vision is really bad, which is most days now, I get so frustrated and start to doubt that I will ever see like I used to again. It's been on my mind so much lately. Life would be so much simpler if I could drive. We wouldn't have to rely on everyone to constantly help us. And besides, I really think it would help me to have a little independence back in my life.
This may be totally off the topic but I just have to share how God uses every day situations to show us He's still here.
I was at a Drs appt with my husband today and he asked me if I noticed the nurses glasses. When she came back in I saw that she had a prism on her lenses. We asked her about it and she said that it really helps her and that she's only met one other person who has a prism like hers.
At my last appt with the neuro-optometrist, he said a prism might really help my vision. He used one to "test" my eyes and I really could see! He wanted to monitor me for a bit before telling us to invest in getting one. We go back to see him in June and you can bet I will be asking about it! But talking with her made me think to myself, "Ok God. You've totally got this." I mean seriously, what are the odds of running into someone with the prism at a Drs. appt for my husband??
I love the reassurance God gives. Sometimes it really does feel like there is no way this will all work out and I just can't understand why we have to go through it. And to be honest, it's scary. But I know He's always there and it's things like this that confirm it. Its things like this that help me get through the scary stuff.
It's been crazy lately. In the same day last week, my husband was in a car accident on the way to work(thank you God he is fine!), we had to put our sweet pup of 13 yrs to sleep, and the company my husband works for announced some major changes and had several hundred lay-offs. My mind and emotions have been mush. But there is still no doubt in my mind that God is in control. I've made myself literally find the blessings in each situation. It's not always easy, but I know there is always a blessing to be found.
We sang the song "Promises" by Sanctus Real at church this past Sunday. The lyrics are amazing and just what I needed to hear at a time when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. When it comes to Gods promises, there is nothing I could ever be more sure about. His promises are what get me through each day.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)
So often I long for that life back. It even makes me sad to think that our lives will never be that way again. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our daily life that we very easily take little things for granted. Like being able to give our kids a bath. Who ever would have thought that would bring me so much joy.
My husband and I have been discussing plans on how to get both boys to and from school next year. Something that should be so easy turns into who can we ask to help us. I'm determined that I WILL drive again. But we can't use that as our plan until it happens. When my vision is really bad, which is most days now, I get so frustrated and start to doubt that I will ever see like I used to again. It's been on my mind so much lately. Life would be so much simpler if I could drive. We wouldn't have to rely on everyone to constantly help us. And besides, I really think it would help me to have a little independence back in my life.
This may be totally off the topic but I just have to share how God uses every day situations to show us He's still here.
I was at a Drs appt with my husband today and he asked me if I noticed the nurses glasses. When she came back in I saw that she had a prism on her lenses. We asked her about it and she said that it really helps her and that she's only met one other person who has a prism like hers.
At my last appt with the neuro-optometrist, he said a prism might really help my vision. He used one to "test" my eyes and I really could see! He wanted to monitor me for a bit before telling us to invest in getting one. We go back to see him in June and you can bet I will be asking about it! But talking with her made me think to myself, "Ok God. You've totally got this." I mean seriously, what are the odds of running into someone with the prism at a Drs. appt for my husband??
I love the reassurance God gives. Sometimes it really does feel like there is no way this will all work out and I just can't understand why we have to go through it. And to be honest, it's scary. But I know He's always there and it's things like this that confirm it. Its things like this that help me get through the scary stuff.
It's been crazy lately. In the same day last week, my husband was in a car accident on the way to work(thank you God he is fine!), we had to put our sweet pup of 13 yrs to sleep, and the company my husband works for announced some major changes and had several hundred lay-offs. My mind and emotions have been mush. But there is still no doubt in my mind that God is in control. I've made myself literally find the blessings in each situation. It's not always easy, but I know there is always a blessing to be found.
We sang the song "Promises" by Sanctus Real at church this past Sunday. The lyrics are amazing and just what I needed to hear at a time when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. When it comes to Gods promises, there is nothing I could ever be more sure about. His promises are what get me through each day.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)
Monday, April 28, 2014
His hand in it all.
It makes me laugh a little when I think about turning 31... It's hard to believe I'll be over 30. I used to think anything over 29 was old!! But man am I excited!!
When I look at my life it makes me smile. A huge smile. I have a husband who is truly my best friend, even after 11 years of marriage. Two wonderful boys who bring me more joy than I could ever explain, the best friends a girl could ask for and an amazing family who I am so blessed to have near.
Last year I really didn't think Id be celebrating my 31st Birthday. But The Lord has once again poured out his blessings on us.
I realize that not a single person is guaranteed another day, let alone another year. That's a thought that crosses my mind several times a day.
It's kind of ironic that just as I think about celebrating, I received a call tonight that a very special man in my life had a heart attack yesterday. So thankful to God that he is doing ok.
As his wife told me of the days events, we were able to point out the blessings that God had provided that day. How amazing is that?? I just love how good God is. He takes a situation that is so incredibly scary, and comforts us by showing us His hand in all of it. He IS in control and I love to see the ways He continually proves it. It's like He's holding our hand and reassuring us "I'm here, trust me." I don't know about you but that gives me so much peace. Also makes me very thankful for each and every moment.
I know that Heaven will be so much better than anything on earth. But I must admit, I'm excited to see what my 31st year holds. Then maybe even 80???
Can't wait to write about turning 32. But in the mean time, thank you so much Lord for for this day. Your mercies and blessings are new every morning.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16 NIV)
When I look at my life it makes me smile. A huge smile. I have a husband who is truly my best friend, even after 11 years of marriage. Two wonderful boys who bring me more joy than I could ever explain, the best friends a girl could ask for and an amazing family who I am so blessed to have near.
Last year I really didn't think Id be celebrating my 31st Birthday. But The Lord has once again poured out his blessings on us.
I realize that not a single person is guaranteed another day, let alone another year. That's a thought that crosses my mind several times a day.
It's kind of ironic that just as I think about celebrating, I received a call tonight that a very special man in my life had a heart attack yesterday. So thankful to God that he is doing ok.
As his wife told me of the days events, we were able to point out the blessings that God had provided that day. How amazing is that?? I just love how good God is. He takes a situation that is so incredibly scary, and comforts us by showing us His hand in all of it. He IS in control and I love to see the ways He continually proves it. It's like He's holding our hand and reassuring us "I'm here, trust me." I don't know about you but that gives me so much peace. Also makes me very thankful for each and every moment.
I know that Heaven will be so much better than anything on earth. But I must admit, I'm excited to see what my 31st year holds. Then maybe even 80???
Can't wait to write about turning 32. But in the mean time, thank you so much Lord for for this day. Your mercies and blessings are new every morning.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16 NIV)
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Kicking butt and taking names!!
I've found myself feeling a little down lately. There are so many things I would like to do but it's like there is always something holding me back. Whether it's my vision or just feeling exhausted and not having the energy. I have a ton of great intentions but never seem to get the ball rolling.
(I just have to add this in. It's really early in the morning and as I write this, and big G's hand is resting on my shoulder. My strength and encourager. Love this kid. And love that he still gets excited about having a sleep over with his Mama while Dad is working on the weekends!!)
Anyway. The more I think and pray about it I'm realizing that this in itself is another battle. Satan wants me to feel like crap. He wants me to sleep all the time and tell myself that I can't do these things. He wants me to sit back and do nothing while each day slips away.
Now I know I need to take it easy and take time to rest. But I have decided that I refuse to let this bring me down. It has definitely changed me and I'm sure it will continue to. But change isn't always bad. Different yes. But it can be good too. And the best part is it can be used for good. So that's where I'm going with this. I'm going with the good. On the days i feel tired, I'm going for a walk. When my vision is bad, I'm going to go out somewhere that I've never been no matter how hard it is to navigate an unknown place. When I feel down I'm going to reach out to someone else who needs encouragement. Whatever negative comes my way, I'm doing the opposite. I know there will still be days ahead where I feel terrible and have a hard time pushing through. But I know that God will be right there with me giving me the strength and whatever else I need to get through. He still totally has a plan in all this and I trust Him more than anything. He is the reason I've made it this far. He is my everything.
So as I start this week of double chemo y'all better watch out!! This chic is kicking some boo-tay!! Oh ya!!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
I always thought when I found out there were no active tumor cells I'd be elated. I am so very excited and so thankful to God, but it's just not like I thought it would be. And I'm kinda frustrated because I don't know why. I know this is all Gods doing because there is no way we could have done this or made it this far without him. I still have complete faith and trust in his plan but I also can't help but think this fight is far from over. I try so hard not to compare my situation to other brain cancer warriors, but these things don't just give up and go away. And this is where I'm struggling. I know God can heal/do anything. But I'm still stuck on the fact that this will probably be my life now and a battle I will more than likely face for the rest of this life. And yet I'm so thankful to have this life!! Am I making any sense here? It's so confusing for me to even try and explain what I mean. I guess I just thought that if the tumor was gone, things would be normal again. Things would be "right". But I'm finding the things I used to think would make me happy really dont. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. But I'm not sure how else to explain it. I'm guessing that this is yet a another lesson God is teaching me through this tumor.
I've never really been a "materialistic" kind of person. But one of the things I've really been looking forward to is having our own home again. Not for the stuff but to make a home for our boys. I've always said it will be an amazing day when we can move into our own place again. But now, the thoughts of it really don't fill me with excitement like it did before. I know I've talked about that feeling that I get before. The one that comes out of no where. I think this is the joy that God wants me to focus on. The joy that comes from him. Not the joy from a home and not even the joy that comes from a negative PET scan. The joy of trusting Him and just taking it one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. I've always said I don't care if the tumor ever goes away, as long as I can live with it. I think I mean that more now than I did when all this started. My life is so much more "God centered" now and I love it.
Ya know, I never thought I'd find another doctor who was as amazing as my obstetrician who delivered the boys and Faith. He always prayed with us and showed so much compassion. I will never forget the words he used to tell us our precious Faith had passed away. He told us "it looks like she's gone home...." when he was unable to find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I will never forget him or the compassion he shared with us. God definitely knew we'd need him.
Once again God has provided 2 amazing doctors for us. My oncologist and his PA. Doctors that have cried with us, celebrated with us and that are there for us constantly. We are so blessed and I am more than thankful for them. I truly look forward to seeing them every other week.
Things like this are where I'm focusing my joy. Amazing people to care for us, totally sent by God. The treatments they provide. And the treatments that are now helping others with brain tumors. Praise God for that!!!
Im finding its true what they say.....the little things really are the big things.....I couldn't agree more. Going to my nephews award ceremony, sitting at the table drinking tea with my mom this morning, the excited feeling I get when I know my husband will be home, listening to my Dad sing "soft kitty" to little g while reading a book with a cat in it, the emotions that come over me when my boys come up to give me a hug or a kiss... These things bring true joy. Thank you God for using this tumor to show me this. These are the precious things that truly fill my heart with so much joy.
The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Psalm 126:3 NIV)
I've never really been a "materialistic" kind of person. But one of the things I've really been looking forward to is having our own home again. Not for the stuff but to make a home for our boys. I've always said it will be an amazing day when we can move into our own place again. But now, the thoughts of it really don't fill me with excitement like it did before. I know I've talked about that feeling that I get before. The one that comes out of no where. I think this is the joy that God wants me to focus on. The joy that comes from him. Not the joy from a home and not even the joy that comes from a negative PET scan. The joy of trusting Him and just taking it one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. I've always said I don't care if the tumor ever goes away, as long as I can live with it. I think I mean that more now than I did when all this started. My life is so much more "God centered" now and I love it.
Ya know, I never thought I'd find another doctor who was as amazing as my obstetrician who delivered the boys and Faith. He always prayed with us and showed so much compassion. I will never forget the words he used to tell us our precious Faith had passed away. He told us "it looks like she's gone home...." when he was unable to find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I will never forget him or the compassion he shared with us. God definitely knew we'd need him.
Once again God has provided 2 amazing doctors for us. My oncologist and his PA. Doctors that have cried with us, celebrated with us and that are there for us constantly. We are so blessed and I am more than thankful for them. I truly look forward to seeing them every other week.
Things like this are where I'm focusing my joy. Amazing people to care for us, totally sent by God. The treatments they provide. And the treatments that are now helping others with brain tumors. Praise God for that!!!
Im finding its true what they say.....the little things really are the big things.....I couldn't agree more. Going to my nephews award ceremony, sitting at the table drinking tea with my mom this morning, the excited feeling I get when I know my husband will be home, listening to my Dad sing "soft kitty" to little g while reading a book with a cat in it, the emotions that come over me when my boys come up to give me a hug or a kiss... These things bring true joy. Thank you God for using this tumor to show me this. These are the precious things that truly fill my heart with so much joy.
The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Psalm 126:3 NIV)
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Humbled....
I'm having a hard time emotionally right now. I'm not quite sure that it's really sunk in....
When we found out about the "new growth" yesterday, I was initially devastated. New growth is not a phrase you want to hear in the cancer world. Not only does it mean that the tumor is growing, it means the meds you are taking are no longer working. Not something you really want to think about.
I was playing Mr. Potato head with little g when my cell phone rang and my husband said "this is it..."
The call we had been waiting for. I was sitting with my back to him, but I was trying so hard to listen to what he was saying. When I heard him say "so there are no live cells...." I turned to look at him. As I did, the biggest smile beamed from his face. I leaned over and asked little g for a kiss as the tears, once again, ran down my cheeks. Could it really be?
When he finished on the phone I immediately looked to my husband, waiting, very impatiently, for him to fill me in!! The dr told him the PET scan came back negative which means there are no active cells in my brain!!!
I didn't really understand the whole PET scan thing but I guess when they inject you with the radioactive stuff, there is also glucose mixed in. Active cells will go after the glucose mixture for "food" which makes them "light up" during the scan. From what the dr said, nothing lit up on my scan. Nothing. I'm still in awe... She did say that there could be dormant cells and that's why they are keeping me on the same treatment plan for now. At some point they might lower my doses but I will more than likely always be on some form of chemo. GBMs are very aggressive and grow very fast. I must say I'm very thankful to have drs that don't just wait around and watch. I want aggressive treatment. I want these stupid cells to stay dead and gone!!
God is just amazing. I've always loved and trusted him. And I still do. Very much. But I have to admit my relationship with him has changed so much in the last year. I have learned so much about him and have honestly gained a new best friend. I've learned that just because things don't go the way I want or expect them to, doesn't mean it won't be good. Actually in most cases it turns out better. I've learned to let go of things in which I have no control and have started to be less of a worrier and let me tell you, that in itself is huge!! Quite honestly I've learned far to much to list here. All I know is I'm not the same person I was before this tumor.
This journey is far from over and I've still got a lot to learn but I am so incredibly humbled and thankful for every blessing God has poured out to our family. I think I may actually be at the point where I can say I am thankful for this tumor.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)
When we found out about the "new growth" yesterday, I was initially devastated. New growth is not a phrase you want to hear in the cancer world. Not only does it mean that the tumor is growing, it means the meds you are taking are no longer working. Not something you really want to think about.
I was playing Mr. Potato head with little g when my cell phone rang and my husband said "this is it..."
The call we had been waiting for. I was sitting with my back to him, but I was trying so hard to listen to what he was saying. When I heard him say "so there are no live cells...." I turned to look at him. As I did, the biggest smile beamed from his face. I leaned over and asked little g for a kiss as the tears, once again, ran down my cheeks. Could it really be?
When he finished on the phone I immediately looked to my husband, waiting, very impatiently, for him to fill me in!! The dr told him the PET scan came back negative which means there are no active cells in my brain!!!
I didn't really understand the whole PET scan thing but I guess when they inject you with the radioactive stuff, there is also glucose mixed in. Active cells will go after the glucose mixture for "food" which makes them "light up" during the scan. From what the dr said, nothing lit up on my scan. Nothing. I'm still in awe... She did say that there could be dormant cells and that's why they are keeping me on the same treatment plan for now. At some point they might lower my doses but I will more than likely always be on some form of chemo. GBMs are very aggressive and grow very fast. I must say I'm very thankful to have drs that don't just wait around and watch. I want aggressive treatment. I want these stupid cells to stay dead and gone!!
God is just amazing. I've always loved and trusted him. And I still do. Very much. But I have to admit my relationship with him has changed so much in the last year. I have learned so much about him and have honestly gained a new best friend. I've learned that just because things don't go the way I want or expect them to, doesn't mean it won't be good. Actually in most cases it turns out better. I've learned to let go of things in which I have no control and have started to be less of a worrier and let me tell you, that in itself is huge!! Quite honestly I've learned far to much to list here. All I know is I'm not the same person I was before this tumor.
This journey is far from over and I've still got a lot to learn but I am so incredibly humbled and thankful for every blessing God has poured out to our family. I think I may actually be at the point where I can say I am thankful for this tumor.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)
I can't say enough about all the people who have prayed for and helped our family. You have no idea how much you mean to us. We love you all and hope you will continue to be with us on this journey of faith. There's no telling what God has in store next, so for now, one day and one prayer at a time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Recalculating
Being the "planner" I am really wasn't a helpful thing today. We were supposed to have blood work done, see my Dr for MRI results and then head home.....Not exactly how the day went. My dr ended up ordering a PET scan and putting me on anti-seizure meds.
I've been having a metallic taste in my mouth off and on. I just thought maybe it was a side effect from one of the meds. But as it turns out, it can be an indicator of an oncoming seizure. Not at all what I was thinking. They have always asked me about having seizures and I've always been so thankful that I haven't had one. It's just a precautionary, low dose, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.
After reviewing my MRI she explained that the spot they were watching at my last visit had not changed and that was great!! I expected to hear nothing but wonderful news for the rest of the appointment. We'd hit the road early and be heading home to our boys soon.
But then came the big old smack in the face...the one that reminded me that I have no control over anything in this journey. The one that told me Gods thoughts are not the same as my thoughts. The smack in the face that completely blocked out everything else that was being said in the room. Even though she used the words "slight growth", growth was all I heard. Of course I started to cry. I tried to pay attention as my husband and my dr talked about options for treatment at this point but I just couldn't focus. How could it be growing??? This was not a part of the plan. Were shrinking this tumor, right??
She wanted to do a PET scan as soon as possible to see if the cells are fast growing, "live" cells. She said it would help us determine which way to go in our treatment plan. I was relieved to hear that there are other treatments available but I must admit at the time it really didn't make me feel much better.
Within an hour they had everything set up for the scan and the tech had taken me back to inject the radioactive dye. Kinda weird to watch someone push liquid from a steel container covered in radioactive stickers into your IV. I've learned not to ask questions in situations like these because most times I really don't want to know. I think I do, but quickly realize that I don't! The scan was finished in less than 10 mins. I had to lay there for a bit afterward and durning that time I finally felt my faith coming back. I don't think I actually lost it. I just Think I was overwhelmed by the change in "plans" and it took some time to get back to Gods plan and out of my own. Lots of praying and deep breaths.
Were driving home now and still waiting to hear the results. It may be tomorrow before we get a call. Waiting is always the worst part. But I'm actually kinda glad we have this time to just think and to get our focus back to where it should be. I'm hoping and praying the call will tell us these are not live cells, that instead it's scar tissue or some other simple explanation. I know God is still in control. I'm finding peace and reassurance in that. I know his plan is better than mine could ever be. So as our GPS would say, I'm "recalculating"......your plan Lord, not mine....
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares The Lord.
Isaiah 55:8
I've been having a metallic taste in my mouth off and on. I just thought maybe it was a side effect from one of the meds. But as it turns out, it can be an indicator of an oncoming seizure. Not at all what I was thinking. They have always asked me about having seizures and I've always been so thankful that I haven't had one. It's just a precautionary, low dose, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.
After reviewing my MRI she explained that the spot they were watching at my last visit had not changed and that was great!! I expected to hear nothing but wonderful news for the rest of the appointment. We'd hit the road early and be heading home to our boys soon.
But then came the big old smack in the face...the one that reminded me that I have no control over anything in this journey. The one that told me Gods thoughts are not the same as my thoughts. The smack in the face that completely blocked out everything else that was being said in the room. Even though she used the words "slight growth", growth was all I heard. Of course I started to cry. I tried to pay attention as my husband and my dr talked about options for treatment at this point but I just couldn't focus. How could it be growing??? This was not a part of the plan. Were shrinking this tumor, right??
She wanted to do a PET scan as soon as possible to see if the cells are fast growing, "live" cells. She said it would help us determine which way to go in our treatment plan. I was relieved to hear that there are other treatments available but I must admit at the time it really didn't make me feel much better.
Within an hour they had everything set up for the scan and the tech had taken me back to inject the radioactive dye. Kinda weird to watch someone push liquid from a steel container covered in radioactive stickers into your IV. I've learned not to ask questions in situations like these because most times I really don't want to know. I think I do, but quickly realize that I don't! The scan was finished in less than 10 mins. I had to lay there for a bit afterward and durning that time I finally felt my faith coming back. I don't think I actually lost it. I just Think I was overwhelmed by the change in "plans" and it took some time to get back to Gods plan and out of my own. Lots of praying and deep breaths.
Were driving home now and still waiting to hear the results. It may be tomorrow before we get a call. Waiting is always the worst part. But I'm actually kinda glad we have this time to just think and to get our focus back to where it should be. I'm hoping and praying the call will tell us these are not live cells, that instead it's scar tissue or some other simple explanation. I know God is still in control. I'm finding peace and reassurance in that. I know his plan is better than mine could ever be. So as our GPS would say, I'm "recalculating"......your plan Lord, not mine....
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares The Lord.
Isaiah 55:8
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